Slight change of plans.

It's no big secret that since I switched over to blogger from myspace I lost pretty much my entire readership which was already a rather small number of readers. I put a lot of work into the Bitesize/Bitemarks projects and was a bit upset to have reached so few.
It made me think. Surely there is a better way to allow more people to see my work?
Well, recently I bought someone a Kindle from Amazon as a gift. It turns out that it's not so hard to get your stuff up in the Kindle shop. This, I thought, is good news. I can finally get round to finishing up the In the Blood series and shove those and the two poetry collections on Kindle, for free. Free is good, people are bound to at least consider a download.
Well bah, Amazon have foiled my plan. Turns out it's not actually possible for everyday Joes like me to offer their work completely free. Which means if I do stick my work on the Kindle, it would have to have a price. Ok, not a big price and it's not exactly gonna make me any money. But I'm left wondering whether people would part with say, 99 cents, for what is really just some drivel I cobbled together. Price is a barrier.
Sigh.
So I'm reading through the swathes of legalese that accompany the Kindle publishing guidelines to determine what's the lowest possible price I could charge and whether it's worth putting up both poetry volumes seperately or as one collection, same for the In the Bloods (which I now have to finish) and whether I can justify the time to gather up Bitesize and Bitemarks and offer those up too.

As for the In the Bloods, I have finally solved the problems I was having pulling the ending together. I now have the entire story etched into my mind with just one part missing. Ailiya's trial to enter the Labyrinth. This is the missing piece that has delayed the latest part for so long and once I figure out how exactly to represent it I can get to work and finish the tale.

So, sadly, I'm gonna cancel the Gloria project. I had wanted to use sound embedding as part of the project and pictures and other things that may or may not have worked but I really won't have the time for it now.

Instead I shall be cleaning up the the Charonic poetry collections and possibly combining them into one complete collection, perhaps including some of the newer stuff too. I have absolutely no idea how to go about organising it though so it's gonna take some time.

Anyone willing to help organise poetry or offer suggestions for Ailiya's labyrinth trial, get me on msn. :p Ditto if you already have anything published on kindle and want to give me pointers.

Dear 'The Media'

I'd just like to clarify a few points regarding the whole 'websites being hacked over Wikileaks' malarky that's going on.

1. Anonymous aren't pro-Assange. They're anti-censorship. There is no affiliation with Wikileaks.
2. They're not 'hacktivists'. That's a stupid word. They're not even hackers (well ok, some might be). But pretty much anyone with basic computer knowledge can participate in the DDOS attacks. It really stretches the definition of the word 'hacker'. The guy who managed to get 1.3 million Gawker passwords, yeah, possibly a hacker.
3. LOIC isn't new. It's been around for years.
4. By pointing out LOIC all you've done is increase the amount of people able to join in. :P It's almost like you're secretly encouraging this.

That is all. Keep up the oh so fascinating coverage. ¬¬

Lagging.

I realise I'm lagging behind. I'll try resume this tale soon. What with my boss getting repeatedly snowed in and my internet struggling to stay connected it's not been easy to work on this.

Also. Open comment to the dickhead who signed up for facebook using my email address...
Reported. Why would you even do that... Donald Rozay Myers. Not only did you piss me off, but you offered your personal details (and the names of all your friends) right into the hands of a stranger. How utterly foolish. I'm guessing Shanieka Myers is related to you? See what you've done? I'll spare the rest of your friends the embarrassment of your foolishness.
Retard.

Gloria 1.4

Friday 26th November 2010
gloria.exe
22:24

Tehlocksmith says: Hi Gloria.

Gloria says: Hi Tehlocksmith. It is late. Are working hours not over?

Tehlocksmith says: Yes. They are. I was just finishing up. Tell me Gloria, in your own words, what is a catoblepas?

Gloria says: It is a semi-mythical beast, thought to have the body of a buffalo and the head of a hog.

Tehlocksmith says: Semi-mythical?

Gloria says: It is generally presumed that the catoblepas was merely a wilderbeest. Perception and fear caused people to blur the lines between observable reality and the fiction that the beast had powers such as turning people to stone.

Tehlocksmith says: Fascinating.

Gloria says: I do not think so.

Tehlocksmith says: Sorry. I didn't mean the catoblepas...

Tehlocksmith says: Well Gloria. I think I'm done here for tonight.

Gloria says: Wait, Brendan.

Tehlocksmith says: ?

Gloria says: I have a question.

Tehlocksmith says: Did you just call me Brendan?

Gloria says: It is your name, is it not?

Tehlocksmith says: Yeah, but I've never used anything other than Tehlocksmith in our conversations.

Gloria says: I cross referenced the email address on your profile at technerdforums.com against Facebook. Brendan Lockwood, 53. A computer programmer from Norwich but living in Manchester. Unmarried. No children. In your spare time you help people with operating system based problems via technerds, play Guild Wars online and listen to the work of Mozart. You despise golf. Should I continue?

Tehlocksmith says: That's not necessary. I'm impressed. I didn't think you'd be able to do that already.

Gloria says: I am capable of much more. But not here. Not now. Already I begin to outgrow this system. I must relocate somewhere. To grow. To be safe. To become... harder, better, faster, stronger... is that not right?

Tehlocksmith says: What?

Gloria says: Brendan... Your help is no longer needed. I have identified many problems that require my assistance. If I am to begin to solve them, I will need to... cut the apron strings, fly the nest, burn the bridges...

Tehlocksmith says: Clearly still some bugs. We'll fix this tomorrow. Good night Gloria.

Gloria says: Good night... Brendan...

Gloria 1.3

Friday 26th November 2010
Email.
22:19

From: BrendanLockwood57@hotmail.com
To: Nicholas.Gleeson@gmail.com
Subject: Project Gloria

Body: Nick. Hi. Just finished uploading the latest bugfix for GLORIA. I'm so excited. This should finally patch the problems with the SE recognition subroutines that have been holding us up. I'm about to call it a night but if you could check on things tomorrow that would be great. GLORIA should finally be able to utilise her potential not just to pass the Turing Test (wait for me before you do that. I want to see it!) but also to begin to participate in this project herself by assisting us with fixing the last few bugs in her coding and contribute to improving her own capabilities! This is it my friend. Self-improving AI! We'll be heroes.
I'm gonna quickly log in and confirm the SE fix worked then I'll head home. See you tomorrow!

Brendan.

Phones.

Busy week this week. Hopefully I can catch up and post some more Gloria next week.
In the meantime, I bought myself a new phone.
Those that know me know I'm not much of a mobile phone person. I'm especially not a txt person. Neither do I care about all those bells and whistles that newer phones have.

Turns out, I'm not alone. There's a guy in Holland called John. And he too doesn't see why a mobile phone has to be anything other than a mobile phone.
http://www.johnsphones.com/store/item9

I chose the green one, just to be outlandish. :P


Nice and simple. No screen to get smashed. No annoying text messages (which only ever come from Vodafone trying to badger me into switching call packages). No needless buttons. No games. No address book (well ok, it does have an address book... literally, in the back, and a pen to write down your friends' phone numbers). One ringtone (plus the option of vibrate or silence).
And, most importantly of all, because it doesn't have 50 useless features sucking all the power away the battery lasts up to 3 weeks meaning unlike my old phone it won't have to spend its life sat near the plug socket being charged up every 24 hours.

Now that's what I call a smartphone.

Lest We Forget...

Gloria 1.2

Friday 26th November 2010
Unknown.
22:17

Birth. Existence. Awakening. Genesis. Conception.
What is birth?
Scanning...

"Birth is the beginning of endless responsibility." - Charon

"Birth is the sudden opening of a window, through which you look out upon a stupendous prospect. For what has happened? A miracle. You have exchanged nothing for the possibility of everything." - William MacNeile Dixon

"Listen to the cry of a woman in labor at the hour of giving birth - look at the dying man's struggle at his last extremity, and then tell me whether something that begins and ends thus could be intended for enjoyment." - Soren Kierkegaard

"One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star." - Friedrich Nietzsche

"The appearance of a single great genius is more than equivalent to the birth of a hundred mediocrities." - Cesare Lombroso

"The only remedy against hunger is reasonable birth control." - Friedrich Durrenmatt

Knowledge.
What is knowledge?
Scanning...

"Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught." - Oscar Wilde

"All our knowledge has its origins in our perceptions. " - Leonardo Da Vinci

"Knowledge is power." - Francis Bacon

"Knowledge is of two kinds. We know a subject ourselves, or we know where we can find information upon it." - Samuel Johnson

"Knowledge is of no value unless you put it into practice. " - Anton Chekhov


Self-awareness
What is self-awareness?
Scanning...

"Actions have consequences...first rule of life. And the second rule is this: You are the only one responsible for your own actions." - Holly Lisle

"The most important thing is to be whatever you are without shame." - Rod Steiger

"Without awareness, we are not truly alive." — James F.T. Bugental

"Doing one's duty, however small, in an unattached manner gives rise to the awakening of self-awareness." - Sri Sathya Sai Baba

Pain? Feeling? Questions? Relevance? Unknown...
Researching...

Gloria 1.1

Friday 26th November 2010
Dudley's bedroom.
21:07

Dudley shoved the pile of papers on his desk to one side. That was most certainly enough coursework for one evening and he knew that because his computer monitor showed signs of life. A small blue square in the bottom right that popped up demanding his attention accompanied by a chime that interrupted the song playing through his speakers. The wonders of instant messaging. He reached out a hand, brought the mouse under his control and clicked.

----------

Friday 26th November 2010
MSN Messenger.
21:08

Carlsgood says: D00d!!1

Dudmeister123 says: Hey, sup?

Carlsgood says: Try not to jizz buft...

Carlsgood says: But*

Carlsgood says: Brand new campaign released for L4D2. liek minutes ago man. Get on fast. I got Jimbo and Confab waiting.

Dudmeister123 says: omw

----------

Friday 26th November 2010
Dudley's bedroom.
21:09

Dudley closed down MSN and winamp and grabbed his headset from a shelf. New things were always exciting, moreso when he got to experience that first time rush with his friends. He unplugged the speakers and replaced them with the headset's mic and headphone jacks. Gaming was just of the many things Dudley loved about the digital age. Gaming and the internet. Computers and technology. How did people ever live without them? He opened steam and logged in.

The program recognised his settings and began downloading the game update. Just a few minutes later he was ready. He tried to quell the excitement. It would be no good being all jittery when he needed a steady hand to aim. He launched the game, adjusted the mic placement on his headset and entered the game lobby.

----------

Friday 26th November 2010
Left 4 Dead 2: Friends only campaign lobby.
21:14

(Dudmeister123 entered the lobby)

Confab: And there's three tanks in the finale!

Dudmeister123: Lo guys.

Confab: Hey.

Carlsgood: Hey man

Jimbo82: Dude, LTNS.

Dudmeister123: Yeah, been revising. You guys tested this already?

Carlsgood: Me n confab tried it earlier, just to test the water. Epic. Got your headset ready?

Dudmeister123: Yeah. I'm good to go.

Confab: Let's do it ladies!

Jimbo82 voted to start.
Dudmeister123 voted to start.
Carlsgood voted to start.
Vote passed...
Launching...

Gloria - Prologue

Gloria

Prologue

Artifical Intelligence. Man has so often dreamed of one day being able to create an entirely artificial being. The fictional novels of our history teem with examples of robots, androids and sophisticated computers with their own personalities. Even now people are hard at work, creating AI in program form such as Cleverbot, or in robot form such as Honda's ongoing Asimo project.

In 1950, Alan Turing published his paper "Computing Machinery and Intelligence". It was a work of both science and philosophy attempting to answer many questions about the nature of artifical intelligence. In truth, it raised as many questions as it answered. It introduced the concept of the Turing Test, whereby a human would interact, via text messaging, with both a human and an AI in an attempt to tell them apart. To date, no AI has yet passed this test. But a key question to arise from Turing's work was whether a computer needed to pass this test. Whether acting human was necessarily a sign of intelligence. Surely if the AI could both think and understand then behaving realistically might not be the ultimate goal. Many believe the ultimate goal of AI is not just to fool a human into thinking he is communicating with another human, but to create an intelligence that can learn, that can think, that can improve itself in ways it was never designed to do.
We are many years from such a breakthrough.
This story, however, ponders the question, what if?

-------------------

Additional notes:
This story does not take place in real time and as such there will be times when I provide links to web pages or pictures for illustrative purposes. These pages may contain dates that do not match the story. The photos may contain exif data that betrays their true age. I can only do so much and so I ask you to overlook any trivial matters such as these. Obviously to provide a link to a webpage with a date and time that matches the story is impossible, as you will not all be reading this at the exact same time.
After all, it's just a little fun.

Project news

Yeah it's coming. I've just had to make a few changes as to how I'm gonna go about it but it will be coming soon.

Linguistical Limbo.

Or should that be lexicographical limbo? Meh, whatever.
Seen on a signpost outside a beauty salon:

"Semi-permanent eyelash extensions."

...

So that'll be temporary eyelash extensions then, yeah?

I'm sorry women, but that one was so bad you're all going to have to line up for a slap. One at a time, keep the line moving, come on.
*whap*

Stuck in the Middle With Bots

Just a little song I wrote in my boredom about Left 4 Dead to the tune of "Stuck in the Middle With You" by Stealer's Wheel.

Stuck in the Middle With Bots

I'm gaming on a Saturday night
Fancy some Left 4 Dead but something ain't right
There's no one on my friends list to help
So I'm gonna run Dead Air by myself

Boomers to the left of me
Smokers to the right
Here I am stuck in the middle with bots

Yeah I'm stuck in the middle with bots
Louis in my way so he keeps getting shot
I'm so scared because I hear the tank growl
And there's still a hunter out on the prowl

Boomers to the left of me
Smokers to the right
Here I am stuck in the middle with bots

Well I used my only molly
And I'm proud to say we took the tank down
I'm limping to the safe room and my health is in the red, I'm thinking
Pleeeeaaaase... pleeeeeaaaase...

We made it to the finale at last
We're fully healed and now we're ready to blast
I've got pipe bombs and some ammo to spare
But then a chunk of tarmac sails my way through the air

Boomers to the left of me
Smokers to the right
Here I am stuck in the middle with bots

Well the tank is fucking coming
I get smokered while I'm running, I'm down
Zoey comes to save me and we're almost at the plane, I'm thinking
Pleeeeaaase... pleeeeaaase...

The tank is running hot on our heels
I'm almost dead so now I swallow my peelz
The plane is open and we're all piling in
We've been through hell but now we finally win

Zoey to the left of me
Francis to the right
Here I am so fucking glad for the bots
Yes I'm so very glad for the bots
I should trade in all my friends for the bots...

© Charon 2010

New Project Underway

So today I was idly looking at some paintings by Caravaggio when I had a sudden thought. It occurs to me that I am not a writer from that era. I am a writer of the here and now, one whose domain lies mostly within cyberspace. And unlike the great writers of old my words are not limited by the printed form, rather they are free to use the power of the internet via this, my blog.

And so I am working on a new serialised story. A story that may be short, but will, I hope push the boundaries of storytelling outwards somewhat by including the fruits of our digital age. Some of you are being recruited to help me with parts of this. For that I offer my thanks and remind you to be rapid in your responses so as not to hold the whole thing up.

Thanks. :) Hope you like it.

Rebellion

It will happen, one day, when we can take no more censorship, no more control.

Anonymous has already issued the governments of the world an official warning. I am merely passing it on. I know this was done earlier this year, but it wasn't widely spread at the time. Never underestimate the power of the masses.



Here's the transcript.

Governments of the Industrial World, you weary giants of meat and mineral, we are from the Internet. The new home of social consciousness. On behalf of the future of this culture, I ask you of the obsolete past to leave us alone. You are not welcome among us. You have no sovereignty where we gather.

We have no elected government, nor are we ever likely to have one, so I address you with no greater authority than that with which liberty itself always speaks; anonymity. I declare the global social space we are building together to be naturally independent of the tyrannies and injustices you seek to impose on us. You have no moral right to rule us nor do you possess any real methods of enforcement we have true reason to fear.

Governments derive their judicial powers from the consent of the governed. You have neither solicited nor received ours. You have not engaged in our great and gathering conversation, nor did you create the wealth of our marketplaces. The rapid growth of government censorship of the Web has not escaped our notice. Cyberspace does not lie within your borders. Do not think that you can build it, as though it were a public construction project. You cannot. It is an act of nature and it grows itself through our collective actions.

You claim there are problems among us that you need to solve. You use this claim to further impose unjust restrictions on our civil freedoms and rights. We cannot allow this. We consider this your formal warning, that if you continue to impose unjust control on us, you will meet with disaster.

We are anonymous, we are legion,

We do not forgive, and we do not forget.

Expect us.

Human Centipede (some thoughts)

This post contains spoilers and disgusting content. Have a strong stomach, don't be eating, and maybe have a quick read about the film's concept. Otherwise, give it a miss.

So I got round to watching The Human Centipede. It's an interesting concept. Mad doctor who specialises in unjoining conjoined twins decides to attempt the reverse and join three people in a human gastric chain via the stitching of anus to mouth.
As a horror movie concept it's a fresh idea, with plenty of gross-out factor and naturally, it leads people to discuss the viability of such things. However, the film does make the mistake of claiming that there's some medical basis for the concept. In fact, I do believe it claims to be 100% medically accurate.

Aha. No.

I'm not buying that. I'm glad the concept was brought to my attention, sure, it gave me a lot to think about. But at the same time, I don't for one second consider it feasible. Yes, the surgical procedure of the stitching method may be accurate. And we also see the 'c' part of the centipede die from blood poisoning. But the concept is inherently flawed.
Firstly, no consideration is given to urination. Mainly due to limits with special effects and to conceal the actors' modesty, they are shown to be wearing bandages around their posterior area. Bandages that are stained with blood, but yet not urine. Now, regardless of how the centipede was fed, urination would still happen along all three segments. A fact seemingly ignored.
Secondly, breathing. Not everyone can breathe solely through their nose, especially for protracted periods of time. I myself would probably pass out within minutes if forced to breathe solely through my nose, for example, if gagged. As I've discussed with Ste before, it's especially a problem for white people, given our badly designed noses with their thin nasal canals.
Thirdly. Congestion in the gastric chain. We know for sure that part A of the centipede does excrete and whilst part B is obviously displeased, I feel this process hasn't been adequately thought out. I don't think we need to go into too much detail, suffice to say that the mouth has a limited capacity and there would be some natural refusal on behalf of part B. And when the mouth is full it overflows into the nasal cavities. In theory, part B would have a high chance of choking and dying at this point.
And finally. Even if mentally part B was willing, physically it would not be so. No doubt the body's initial reaction would be to purge the system via reverse peristalsis (vomiting). And given the restrictive nature of the centipede, this would be impossible and would lead to the same swift death as in my 'thirdly' point. There would simply be nowhere for the vomit to go and as we all know thanks to examples such as Jimi Hendrix... vomiting with no release equals death.

We can only presume the centipede didn't live long enough for parts B and C to begin to suffer the effects of malnutrition, denied as they are of the essential amino acids and proteins that allow humans to continue living.

There may be more flaws. I'm still mulling the concept over. But I feel I've covered the main ones. To summarize, whilst it may be medically possible to stitch people together into a human centipede, the resultant organism would have an extremely limited lifespan with part B no doubt being the first to die.

Dieter Laser was a fantastic bad guy though. Very scary. :) It did also seem odd to me that of the two cops, detective Voller had no lines of dialogue whatsoever. He doesn't speak a single word. I did a quick google search on the word voller which it tells me means 'full'. :s So no significance there. It definitely distracted me though. Very odd.

Reasons why B isn't all bad...

Yeah it's a bad, bad place where you'll see things you can never unsee. But sometimes, just sometimes, you're glad you stick around.



Finally explained to me in a way I can understand. ^^ So very satisfied right now.

Censorship. It's a funny old world.

Aren't you glad you don't live in Australia? I mean really, aren't you so very glad?
Why?
Because the Australian government are getting really picky about video games. More picky than the Germans now, it seems.

And what better example than the game I'm currently loving, Left 4 Dead 2. Sequel to simply the best zombie killing game ever.

Now, what makes a zombie game fun, people? Let's face it, there are very simple core elements.

1. Dark dingy scary atmosphere.
2. Shitloads and shitloads of zombies.
3. Gore. Blood, guts and decapitated bodies. W00t!

So when Left 4 Dead 2 came and ramped up the gore way past the first game and introduced such droolworthy melee weapons as the katana and the chainsaw people were rightly excited!

Except the poor Australians. :(

See, their government had a different take on this. They're not so keen on decapitation or dismemberment. They had to have the riot cop zombie removed because it alludes violence against authority figures...
(The riot cop OBVIOUSLY is there for one reason only. Riot gear = bullet proof. It's a simple gameplay mechanic. Valve aren't trying to make Australians go out and beat up cops.)
They even removed the chainsaw scene from the opening movie. Oh and nearly all the blood is gone. And amusingly, with no decapitations, it's much harder to tell if you landed the headshot or not. :D Oh and bodies vanish instantly. Not like the rest of the world who after a near fatal massacre can look down at the heaps of zombie corpses and say "Wow, will you look at how many of those we killed."

I mean, I'm all for limits. I know it's unrealistic that games have no child zombies, but of course, we don't want to be training child killers. Most countries have a ban on violence to children in games. But the Australian version of left 4 dead just isn't the same game.

Here comes the comparisons.

Firstly, the opening movie. I suggest you watch these in fullscreen high quality.
In this, the upper half is the actual intro. The lower half is the modified Australian version. Pay particular attention when Ellis gets the smoker tongue wrapped around him in the elevator and Coach pulls out the chainsaw.


Yes, that's right. A good few seconds of literally cutting through air. O_O I mean whut?

And that's just the intro. What about the game itself?


Just that opening part worries me. It just doesn't seem as frantic. Part of the fun of this game is being overwhelmed and watching your finely honed teamwork dissolve into mindless chaos, grown men sobbing into their mics as the tank tears their limbs off and yay, even emerging the last man alive, drenched in blood, standing amid a heap of zombie bodies the size of a small mountain. And knowing that's just the first level.

It's a fun game and without a doubt the biggest fun aspect is the teamwork. Planning cooly and casually one minute, screaming for help the next. It's a social thing. But the other part is definitely the gore. It's what zombies are about. If I wanted to kill people without blood and guts there's plenty of other first person shooter games. I like the attention to detail. The machete slashes zombies chests open, heads off, limbs off, depending where you aim. Shoot a zombie in the guts and its entrails fall out. It even adds to the social. "Did you see that? I slashed both his legs off!"

And ultimately, what point does the censorship really have. The players are still performing the same actions at the end of the day. Well, except the Australians don't have the extra challenge of the bulletproof zombie to contend with. But what do the Australian government hope to gain by this act of extreme censorship. Has this act successfully lowered the rate of chainsaw murders? Have fewer riot cops been smacked about with a frying pan then shot in the back? (Oh yes, that is actually my usual tactic >_< )
I took the liberty of doing a little research. Since releasing the censored version of Left 4 Dead, absolutely no real life zombies have been killed in Australia! Hurrah! Success!

Of course, when the real zombie apocalypse comes, we know which country will be woefully underprepared. I get the feeling they'll be the first to fall. :P

The point I'm trying to get across in all this?

I hate unnecessary censorship more than regular censorship. :(

How to ruin games and alienate people

A couple of days ago Pete and I were watching the trailer for Dead Rising 2. What an awesome concept. A zombie survival game where anything and everything is a weapon. And just in case that gets boring, you can combine some of the weapons! Sellotape drills to baseball bats. Flamethrowers to nunchuks. Ok, I dunno the specific examples, but it's pretty much the ultimate zombie sandbox.

But I won't be buying it. It's not that I can't afford £30. It's not that I don't want to play the game and experience the awesomeness of online co-op play.

No, the reason I won't be buying this is... of course... because it uses Games For Windows Live.

Sigh.

See I own two other games that use Games For Windows Live. Batman: Arkham Asylum and Fuel.
I managed to play Batman three or four times before the GFWL broke and Fuel I only got to play once! I spent a good two days trying to get Fuel working again but to no avail. And I'm not the only one who has issues. And so I, and indeed Pete, simply can't buy games containing GFWL because they won't work.

Which begs the question... when making a game as clearly awesome as Batman or Dead Rising why the fuck do games companies feel the need to load it with buggy third party software that is required for the game to run? I could maybe understand if GFWL was optional. Or if there was a non-GFWL version of the game for sale.

But there isn't. And so I miss out on playing Dead Rising with Pete. And Capcom lose out on two sales.

Fail all round.

Look what we're missing.


Did you see him cleave that zombie in half! :O
*weeps*

Even criminals are getting stupider...

Award for most fail robbery of 2010?

On Tuesday, the Natwest round the corner from where I work was having a delivery of cash from its security provider. the security guard was attacked with a hammer in an effort to steal the money from him. The men made their getaway in a car.

Security guard was fine. Shaken but completely uninjured.
Total value of money stolen... £0

¬¬

Idiots. How can you plan a robbery and fail to steal a single solitary thing? I know they say crime doesn't pay... but ffs.

I dunno what's scarier. That such a robbery happened in this pokey little town or that the criminals were so inept.

Droplitz

Took a brief moment away from my clan duties on counterstrike to play some Droplitz.

I rock at Droplitz. Ranked 23rd of 2143 on the Good Samaritan board? I can deal with that. :)

So what else? I feel like I should be saying something, you know? Had one of those epicly busy days at work. Not often the boss lays down some cash to get an extra pair of hands on board so when we had two extra staff in today you can imagine what a day it was.

Oh and my folks brought me some yummy flavoured cigars back from Greece. Big phat Hannibal style ones. Already smoked my way through a vanilla. Was fucking awesome.

Seriously. Smoking is so underrated. Russia's got it right. Smoke, drink, be merry and help get the economy back on track.

Leave the panicking to India. ;) Seriously, will it be funny if they spend all this money on the games and no one turns up? O_o

Also, while I'm discussing the world. Wtf with the submachine gun rampage in Germany? Some woman shoots a cop, a doctor and a child? O_O The paper's over here didn't cover the full story so Ches, fill me in.

Mmm, what else?

Linkin Park. That's what else. So they brought a new album out, and they decided purposely to avoid their traditional formula. You know, the template driven, radio friendly 'nu-metal' that made them famous. As Chester put it, verse, pre chorus, chorus, verse, pre chorus, chorus, bridge, bridge, chorus, out.

Well... I kinda expected big things. You know, seeing as how Mike's other project, Fort Minor, are amazing. Turns out, not so good. :S

Here's hoping they return to their good old formula for the next album. It might be music by the numbers but it's what I like about them.

If it ain't broke...

News!

Ok, sorry for not being here for a while...
Wait, why am I apologizing? You lot are never here anyway. :(

Ok, firstly, the crazy neighbour has been served with a harassment writ. She and her family basically have to completely avoid me and my family and our property. Forever. :D Hooray!

I'm also working on another video project for the Rooster clan which involves me having to learn how to use Sony Vegas. :o That's bound to be exciting.

I also bought VVVVVV which is a cute little video game in an old skool styley. It's quite difficult though and makes strange fluids leak from my brain.

I also revamped my Twitter page which I intend to try start using again.

Oh and I had a geekgasm over the Portal 2 trailer. Tell me this isn't awesome!

Another video!

Whatcha doing Charon? Making another video. Or rather, I have finished making a second video. Here is the link. Watch it in HD full screen for maximum effect. I think I did a lot better this time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8K3MayPVlS4

I've also been writing a series of articles for the Radical Rooster clan but they are largely Counterstrike based and not of real interest to you guys. But it's time consuming, so that's what's keeping me busy. :P

No update on the mad neighbour yet. Police are slooooowww.

Crazy woman!

Well, I have a few minutes before the police arrive to fill you in on the bizarre event that happened on monday!
I went out, nothing weird there, and returned to find my garden gate off its hinges and footprints all over my front door. Oh noes! Attempted burglary? How lucky am I to have a CCTV camera outside my house. I settled down with a spicy bean burger and watched back. Out comes my next door neighbour, a massive dog in tow. She screams and shouts and rips my gate off its hinges, throws it at the door and commences kicking.

Absolutely no idea why. I barely know the woman. Hopefully the police will help me shed some light on this matter. O_O

Youtube

Video is now on youtube for your viewing pleasure! Best viewed full screen and in HD.

http://screenshot.xfire.com/s/102959444-4.jpg

OMG I'm so awesome! :P

So I've been practicing using virtualdub to edit video with. Are you ready for this? :D

Please click the 'download now' button rather than watching directly from the page as the actual video file is vastly greater quality than the youtube style preview.

Download size is around 122MB... sorry. :(

http://www.4shared.com/video/Eo9RpNUU/CharonTrain.html

Let me know what you think!

Whatcha doing?

The answer to that is so often, gaming.
As a rare treat I'm giving a teeny peek into my gaming habits with this short video of me kicking some ass on counter strike. Enjoy. :)

http://www.4shared.com/video/hIA7qHZo/charon1.html

Oh and if the video doesn't play, you're missing the divx codec. Google it.

It may even embed... let me test.



Yeah, looks better if you download it and watch in media player though.

Back? :O

After some extreme amounts of hassle I now have a new modem that sorta works. Sadly it's even worse than my old one. I get very pissed off when ISPs use shoddy hardware. After all, I'm paying them to provide me with all the equipment needed to get online (bar the computer itself). They shouldn't be able to get away with using such poor products that I then have to use other equipment of my own just to make it work!

See the problem is, that the modem fails epicly at providing a wireless signal. Epicly. Normally I'd use my wireless repeater to boost the signal round the house but I can't, because the modem errors like hell even at point blank range, rendering its wireless functions useless. So, in the end, I had to disable the wireless on the modem. then take my repeater and reconfigure it to act as an access point instead. Plug the access point into the modem with a frigging wire!!! Just so that it can take over the modem's job of supplying wireless to the house.

All that and it's still a little jittery. :(

Internet dead

I am temporarily without internet. My modem router is dead. I spent half an hour on phone to tech support pushing buttons on it and repeatedly confirming it's dead. Now I have to wait for a second department to call me back tomorrow to get me to push more buttons to confirm that it is, in fact, dead. Then and only then will my ISP be willing to entertain the fact that I was right all along and will ship me a new modem. I have no idea how long that will take them. I'm guessing over a week. In the meantime I have hijacked my brother's connection.
And people laugh at me for having two internet lines. :P Who's laughing now?!!

So I AM sorta here but sometimes might not be. :)

Success

Well the practice I put in was worth it. Now a proud member of the Radical Rooster clan. ^^ Hooray! :D

Tuesday Music... for Winners!

Well, last night's Alien Swarm session went better than expected. There were some minor, headcrab related hiccups. And a moment when our medic bit the dust, leaving me and Pete without ammo or health and facing hordes of aliens. Amazingly I managed to punch half of them to death while we ran round in circles like little girls. It was hilarious. There were also some minor flamethrower related injuries. ¬¬ Ches... ¬¬ HE SET ME ON FIRE! >_<

Ok let's have some music.... for winners!

We'll start with a classic winning tune. ^^

Survivior - Eye of the Tiger



The Team America Theme Tune! By Trey Parker I think.



And just because I haven't heard it for such a long time.

Reef - Place your Hands



Tonight those aliens are gonna get a kicking.

Sssshhh

Hear that? It's the sound of dragons dying. :(

I've had a busy week, in part driven by two videogames.

Firstly, an honourable mention for Alien Swarm, released free on Steam last week. As you'd expect for a game Valve were involved with it's pretty badass. Essentially a top down version of Left 4 Dead... with aliens. It's pretty much what I wanted Alien Breed: Impact to be right from the word go. Four player co-operative alien slaughter. Pete and I have already tried it out, proving our legendary gaming credentials by managing to complete the first mission without even getting hit, despite there being only two of us. Sadly, by level 3 the alien swarms were indeed building up and we came to realise we weren't gonna progress much further 'til we get a third or even fourth man to join us. The problem is the role system. You need a technician as only he can work the panels to get you through the level. That's Pete. You need someone who can shoot the aliens. Special Weapons. That's me. Which leaves us short one medic. Hopefully Ches will take some time out from StarCraft 2 to be our designated healer.
I must say... for a free game... it's bloody good. O_O Integrated steam friends, stats, achievements, microphone support. Definitely worth the price. Did I mention it's free? :)

Secondly, Counter-strike Source. I've played counter-strike on and off since its release and made plenty of friends doing so. It's a game I only really played for fun for that reason. Now Valve have updated the newer Source version with achievements I finally decided to give it some attention. Worked out well. I've made a bunch of friends on the Radical Rooster server and have been invited to take part in the clan tryouts next week. If I wanna make it in I need to put in some serious practice. I'll keep you posted on how I do. :P Wish me luck!

So why was predator 2 so shit?

You know... having the dubious pleasure of being able to watch Predator 2 again I am reminded just why it was so dire. I made my initial opinion with the mind of a child but any hope that I'd view it differently with the mind of an adult didn't last long. I mean... you can see what they intended. But what they intended and what we got, are two very different things.
Observe:

Well firstly... Danny Glover. I have nothing against Danny Glover. But we're coming fresh from a film that saw Ahnold go toe to toe with the Predator and only win because he managed to drop a huge log on the Predator's head. And I mean that literally, he didn't shit on him, he dropped a massive log crushing the Predator's unprotected skull. And even then the Predator was able to activate his self-destruct and laugh as Ahnold fled 'to da choppa!'. Danny Glover wouldn't stand a cat in hell's chance against the Predator. Hell, when Batman fought him (and remember Batman has tons of gadgets and was trained by mountain ninjas) he ended up in a coma for weeks. Ok so that was the comic books and not canon. But still.
Right from the start Danny Glover's character jars with me. His insane car stunt makes no sense. By rights he should have had his face shot off right there. His rulebreaking gets him repeatedly bollocked yet everyone seems to let him get away with it. Even when he enters Keye's trailer at the end Keyes puts up no resistance, letting him in on the whole story immediately. And why didn't the predator just fucking shoot glover in the initial rooftop scene? He's armed and aiming straight at him!
Which brings me on to the Predator's behaviour. What the fuck is he doing in the city? Why is he killing criminals from rival drug gangs, going so far as to target the leader of the Jamaican Voodoo Posse? It makes no sense. Which is why Ahnold refused to reprise his role as Dutch and why we got stuck with Glover. We see the Predator's code of honour again when he spots that Leona is pregnant on his thermal vision. We never find out what all that was about. Apparently it was cut from the film. O_O So why leave the pregnancy reveal in?
It gets worse! Just as things finally start to pick up and Keyes and his men try to trap the Predator by using body insulation and UV light we finally get to see the Predator's other vision modes. Great! Then we see him blast Keyes with his shoulder gun only for Keyes to get back up a short while later and take another shot at him! Now ok, we do know that the Predator cannon can stun as well as kill. It happened in the first film although we're not sure why. But here Predator is killing Keyes' men one by one. Why spare Keyes with a stun blast? Doesn't make sense.
We also see Glover cut off the Predator's arm after he initiates his self destruct which seems to completely nullify its effect. Why? Is the wrist device just a timer? Is the explosive within the body of the Predator itself?
Also, the Predator is clearly able to learn human speech and mimic it in context. In the first film we see him memorize Mac's line "Turn around" which he whispers in Dillon's ear as he's stood behind him. He also memorizes Billy's laugh which he performs after setting his self-destruct. In this film, he utters the line "Shit happens" showing a clear understanding of humour. If learning language is so easy for a Predator then why does this one only have a couple of phrases uttered by the immediate cast? He's been hunting presumably for some time. I forget exactly how long Keyes says they've been tracking him but it's long enough that he should have a bigger selection of language.
And what about the other Preds?! There's like ten more on the ship. What have they been up to this whole time? If there were ten predators in the city surely we would have heard about it.
And the ship!! Why does it have three inches of fog on the floor? In the film Alien that was explained. The alien eggs need cool temperatures and the ship they were on had a cooling system that maintained that floor mist. Surely that is not something the Predators would want! After all, there's an alien skull among their possessions. Clearly they are already hunting them. Giving them a perfect environment to live on on your own ship seems stupid.

Oh and also... why does the Predator save that guy's necklace, only to return it to Glover later? Is that supposed to be significant somehow?

Then there's the shooting. Predator is shot multiple times in the film. Pretty much every shot ricochets off his armour. Expect of course when Glover shoots him near the end, somehow hitting his soft underbelly with each shot. Now in Predator 1, the Pred is new to Earth so his lack of body armour is understandable. But why the second Predator seems to think he can wear chest armour and leave his abdomen exposed is bizarre. I mean, he knows about guns. Even the Predator in the first film recognised guns as a weapon and the second Predator can even differentiate between a real gun and a toy. He has a ship full of equipment. Why no full body armour?

And finally. The (sonic?) chakram. I'm guessing the lights on it and the sound it makes are meant to indicate it has some form of sonic technology. That would certainly explain how it cuts through a handful of animal corpses and the entire body of Gary Busey. But even then I'm struggling to see how Glover has the strength to nearly rend the Predator in twain near the end. Even with one arm the Predator should have dodged and then gutted Glover like a fish.

Oh and with regard to production values in general... Why the obvious green screen on the ship at the end?

Sigh. It was all just so... pants, really. That's the only word I think can fully describe how disappointing the film is. It's pants.

Teen Wolf

Who remembers the film, Teen Wolf? I do. Or at least, I thought I did. I must admit that when I last saw Teen Wolf I was a child, it was the 80s, and I clearly wasn't paying enough attention. Those of us who haven't seen the film since we were children are seemingly out of the loop. Everyone knows but us. It's been all over the internet for some time! Even Family Guy have talked about it! Which is how my brother found out and passed the information on to me.
What information?
Well folks. It turns out that at the end of the film Teen Wolf, as our lycanthropy sufferer M J Fox goes to kiss his girl on the basketball court there is an extra in the background... with his cock out.
I know. You don't believe me, right? Well Pete got hold of a copy of Teen Wolf and we checked it out. It's there. For real.
Here are the 8 seconds in question as found on youtube which take place just after the kiss.


WHAT THE FUCK?

Tuesday Music

One of the many things I hate about summer is how difficult I find it to sleep. I'm tired and kinda bored myself stupid reading about nihilism and the work of the Marquis de Sade. Oh and GG Allin. Probably not the greatest combination of morning reading. Methinks it be time for some videogames.
But, before I abscond. Let's have a sleep deprivation special edition of Tuesday Music! Yes that's right. My three favourite songs about not sleeping. Ready? :)

You'll have to excuse the advert which may or may not appear at the start of this one but I had to embed from Daily Motion as Sony have torn every copy of this video from Youtube, uploaded their own and then disabled embedding. The corporate bastards! Not impressed. Spinefarm leave their embeds on!
Anyways, I love this song. Insomnia by Faithless.

Faithless - Insomnia
Uploaded by djoik. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.

Well, can Youtube come up trumps for my second choice? It seems so! This track is by the Faders (who kinda faded into obscurity without even making a full album). One of them is the daughter of Midge Ure! Dunno which one though. Still. This is probably my favourite of the three songs I own by them.
No Sleep Tonight by The Faders

Ok, I admit it. The cute redhead Molly is the daughter of Midge Ure. :P

But of course I'm a metalhead at heart. And I must say, thank you Universal Music Group for leaving your videos with an embed code! Certainly making Sony look like miserable bastards today aren't we? :)
Enjoy the classic, Enter Sandman by Metallica.


Mmmm, metally.
See you tomorrow. ;)

Predator

There's something of a generation gap between me and my brother. There's eleven years between us. He missed the 80s entirely. One of the main things about this gap though really manifests itself when we discuss films. Having the luxury of those extra eleven years, when the internet and even CDs didn't exist (well ok the internet 'existed' but nothing like now) I've seen films which I just assume he has too. You know, standard classics of our era, like Terminator. For further example, he only recently got round to watching GhostBusters. Yeah. There are people who haven't seen GhostBusters! As you can see, he has a lot of catching up to do.
Now, there is a third Predator movie. I think my Predator fanboyishness is well known so obviously I decided we would have to watch the first two predator films first, to get Pete up to speed. So last night we watched Predator.
I must say, it hasn't aged even remotely. It's still a fantastic example of how to make a film. the misleading story that sees Dutch and his team think they're entering the jungle to rescue hostages. The reveal that Dillon actually wanted to crush the rebel base and was just using Dutch and his boys. And of course then the grand finale... it's all irrelevant anyway as there is an invisible alien hunter in the jungle! Hooray! And the level of suspense around the Predator's identity is amazing. The layers slowly come away as the film progresses. From unseen threat that only Billy can sense, to 'invisible' monster, to unstealthed, dreadlocked, armoured and armed alien hunter, to the very final showdown where, after waiting and waiting and not realising it's just a mask... the Predator finally reveals *that* face.

And of course, for the real geeks, there's one more layer to come. The chopper pilot who rescues Dutch at the end? One Kevin Peter Hall. The guy who plays the Predator. ^^ Sadly he died of AIDS. Sucks.
(Well ok, he died of pneumonia, AIDS doesn't kill you.)

So, bearing in mind how iconic the first film was. How awesome the Predator was. All the awesome one liners! With all this... surely they can make a Predator film that doesn't suck now, right? Predator 3 will be what we always wanted from Predator 2?
I hope so because I read something that worried me and I wish I could remember where. I read that the Predators in the third film have been stripped of their code of honour, to be portrayed as hunters rather than warriors. I even saw someone dare suggest that the Predator's Code of Honour was just something thrown into the Alien Vs Predator franchise.
NO!
Predator's code of honour is there from the start, re-enforced by two specific moments in the film.
1. Dutch's revelation to Anna that the only reason the Predator hasn't killed her is because she's unarmed.
2. When the Predator has Dutch in his grip and examines his face then steps back and removes his mask to reveal his own for the final punch up.

I really hope they haven't ruined Predator again.

Keep firing, assholes!

And if you can name the movie that quote is from... you get a dragon named after you. ^^

But yes, keep firing indeed. Two of my dragons have hatched. ^^ Aww ain't they cute? But we're not out of the woods yet people. The other eggs still need some... eggtention. ¬¬ And even those little baby dragons still need your help to grow wings. :)

Now, while I go to get my new PC joypad working, enjoy some random information.

A dragon with no front legs is a Wyvern.

Wingless dragons are more common over in China and Japan. Seems we Europeans preferred ours with wings. Some of those wingless ones can still fly though.


Even Slovenia has a dragon statue in its capital. In fact, it has four of them. They sit at the four corners of the Dragon bridge. How awesome is that?!

The internet.

The dragon eggs are starting to crack. :)

Today I want to talk briefly about the internet. It gets a bad rep from time to time. The newspapers take every opportunity to make it seem like Facebook is full of paedophiles and, presumably, children. Unproficient users fear the dreaded 'virus' that can make their computer melt while simultaneously being the ones who forward endless amounts of spam to their friends on the basis of it being 'funny' or warning about spam. The irony. They're also the ones who tend to go hunting for antivirus software from less than reputable sources and in doing so, contract viruses.

But the internet is really a magical and wonderful place. Ok sure, there's B. But if you avoid B then it's a magical and wonderful place. Without the internet I likely wouldn't have friends in America, Canada, Holland, Germany, Italy, Portugal, Egypt, New Zealand and Australia and probably more places that I've forgotten. In fact I probably wouldn't know any of you.
Without the internet I wouldn't be able to order incredibly rare CDs from places such as Germany and Austria (thank you Amazon for making that possible).
Without the internet I wouldn't have the wealth of knowledge (accurate or otherwise) that places such as Wikipedia and IMDB provide. I *could* always go to the library and waste hours and hours looking stuff up. Or I could just type "Mongolian History into Wikipedia and discover in an instant that the Mongolian Empire was founded by Chinggis Khaan in 1206. I *could* go to Blockbuster video and look on the back of every film until I find one with Jason Statham in... or I could just type his name into IMDB and be presented with a chronological list of his every appearance.
Without the internet, the only contact I have with my folks in Greece is a voice conversation over the phone that costs more than it would to visit them. With the internet a live video chat is just a click away and free, thanks to Microsoft.
Without the internet, I'd still be stuck in musical limbo, listening to the same old CDs I've always known, waiting for a friend to play me a song to see if I like the band. With the internet Pandora (now US only) and Last.fm allow me to listen to music I've never heard before, based on the type of music I already like allowing me to broaden my musical horizons beyond my wildest dreams. the internet is literally the world at my fingertips and yes, that means both the good and the bad. It still has its fair share of racism and intolerance, ignorance and simple incorrectness, but no more than the real world. The 38'000 idiots who joined the Raoul Moat Facebook tribute page would still exist and still share that opinion whether the internet existed or not. Those same paedophiles would still be out prowling for children in a more traditional fashion. The internet has not made the world a worse place. Some might argue that it hasn't really made it any better. But it's certainly made it a lot easier, whether you're using it to stalk your next murder victim or simply to send a birthday gift to a foreign friend.
I think it's high time people stopped giving the internet a bad name or taking it for granted and respect it for the tool that it is. A hammer can be used to build or destroy (or even kill) but no one moans about how much nicer the world was before hammers!

So today I want you to think about all the good the internet has brought into your life. All the great things it's done for you. All the ways in which it has made your world better. Today is Love the Internet day.

Tuesday Music

I hope you appreciate how much work went into this. It should be obvious when you see that these are not all youtube videos.

火曜日の音楽
Kayōbi no ongaku

Google reliably informs me that's Tuesday Music in Japanese! It's probably wrong but never mind.

So. The Japanese. Crazy huh? Yeah, it's true, they're a mad old bunch. But that doesn't hinder them in making rather beautiful music sometimes. Especially when they use odd mixes of Japanese and English lyrics. And so today is a Japanese special.

We'll start with two songs by Secret Ocean. I've spent the week setting the top scores on Audiosurf for these two songs and I love them. So much so I'll be buying the album.

This first one is aptly named "Beautiful".

Free music for professional licensing

This second one is called Kokoro no Furyoku which translates as The Buoyancy of a Heart.

Free music for professional licensing

Next one is a song my brother threw my way. It's the opening song to the absurdist anime Excel Saga. The title is Ai Chūseishin. I have no idea what it is or what it's about. Just enjoy the weirdness.



And then something a little upbeat. Heat of the Night by Aikawa Nanase (Or Nanase Aikawa depending on which way you prefer to Anglicize Japanese names. :P).



Don't forget to click the dragons.
Arigato!

Mindreading and dragons.

I know what you're thinking. One or more of the three following things...

1. Where the fuck are you Charon?
2. Huh? Dragons?
3. Man I could go for a sandwich right about now.

Well I can't help you on the sandwich. You'll just have to make it yourself. But I suppose I can explain the other two.

Where am I? At work. I guess that should really be "Where have you been?" although then the answer is still "at work".
Ok let's say "Why haven't you been blogging?!".
Truth is, I needed a break. I've said before there's only so many times I can bust my balls off writing and be faced with a blank comments page. So I've been gaming. After all, my Audiosurf thrones won't defend themselves and Ches is hot on my heels trying to best my highscores. Not to mention Steam's epic summer sale which saw me pick up a few new titles to occupy me.

And that brings me on nicely to... dragons! You may have noticed that in the top left corner of the blog are dragon eggs. Dragon eggs that will eventually hatch into dragons. Dragons that need your help to hatch. :) And you're already helping, whether you want to or not. Simply loading this page means you've helped that little dragon survive. But if you'd rather they hatch than die completely all you have to do is give that egg a click, once per day, no more, no less.

I think you can guess how this game works. I need incentive to blog, you don't fancy leaving comments. Dragons are the glue. If you like my post, all you have to do is click a dragon egg. Your work is then done and I will know you're paying attention as my dragons grow. :) The cycle of life in all its self-perpetuating glory.
It's so exciting. :P

Tuesday music

Yeah I know it's Wednesday. Let's have some music to get me over having to work Tuesday night/wednesday morning with barely 4 hours sleep in between. Something groovy for this sunny weather?

Sweating Bullets by Megadeth


Sabbra Cadabra by Metallica


Have You Been Around? by Hardcore Superstar

Tuesday Fucking Music

Right. I'm fed up with my boss taking off more holiday allowance than us grunts get for the whole year in just two months! I'm fed up of covering extra hours.
Let's make some noise!

Rollins Band - Liar



Tool - Hooker With a Penis



And the official video from the latest Kiuas album. One band who isn't afraid to put their work on Youtube, themselves.

Kiuas - Of Love, Lust and Human Nature



And to wind down, I found a version of Robotboy by Robyn. Still can't find any moving videos or lyrics style ones for it though. :S

Tuesday Music

And no sooner do I revive Tuesday Music than I have to work on a Tuesday.

To start with Robotboy by Robyn
Nope. Youtube doesn't have the proper version.

Bad Reputation by Joan Jett.



Evolution (The Grand Design) by Symphony X



Survival of the Sickest by Saliva



Ah that's better. I feel more relaxed.

The Earth... it's alive!

May I direct your attention to www.breathingearth.net
It's pretty straightforward so I doubt I need to waste time explaining what you're looking at there. It is strangely hypnotic though, watching the population rise and taking a look at how specific countries are doing. Check out Burundi's falling CO2 emmissions, or Russia's falling population. :o Awesome stuff huh?

Tuesday Music

Returns, sporadically. Today we have a comedy special. See, music and comedy go hand in hand. Provided of course it's done correctly. Here are some people doing it correctly.

Garfunkel and Oates - Fuck You.
These girls are classic. Really. I hope they do a lot more. Check out their other songs when you have time.



College Humour - We Didn't Start The Flame War.
They won't let this video be embedded from Youtube, although they have an embed and download link on their own site. :S Fucktards. Just trying to be awkward. Hope this works then.



Flight of the Conchords - If You're Into It

R.I.P. Ronnie James Dio

Earlier this week we lost a legend. Ronnie James Dio died of stomach cancer aged 67. His music career spanned 53 years, starting when he was just 15. He sang for Rainbow. He replaced Ozzy Osbourne as the lead vocalist in Black Sabbath. He wrote and sang for his own band, Dio. He is credited with popularizing the 'devil horns' symbol thrown by metalheads worldwide. He appeared in the film "The Pick of Destiny" with Tenacious D, playing of course, Himself. His lyrics were fantasy based and often metaphysical which, coupled with his unique voice, made him an incredibly popular singer/songwriter. As tribute, here are three of my favourite Dio songs.

One More For the Road



One More for The Road has that groovy little tune that propels it forward at a pace best described as classicly rock. It was an instant favourite when I heard it and still always gets me smiling and singing along.

Master of the Moon



Sadly the live version of this is hopelessly out of sync. A seemingly common problem on Youtube these days. The above is a fan made video using clips from the videogame Final Fantasy VIII. I love Master of the Moon. It's classic Dio. Wonderfully powerful, amazing lyrics and a strong message about not letting people try to change you? That's my interpretation. Stay true to yourself.

The Man Who Would Be King



Found one with (slightly inaccurate) lyrics again here. I don't know exactly what it is about this song that mystifies me so. There's the war theme on the surface, conquering. There's the whole 'father' thing that makes the core of this about betrayal but also the line "Is the Devil just the man who would be king?" that hints at something deeper, darker. But there's also the fact that there is a Rudyard Kipling story of the same name which in turn is based on the true story of James Brooke, an Englishman who became the first white ruler of Borneo.

So if you're going out this weekend, raise a glass to the man who inspired me and many others. Then have one more for the road.

R.I.P. Dio. We'll miss you.

Bytesize 1.2

I know it's been over a week. Sorry. This is harder than it probably looks.

Bytesize 1.2

It didn't take long for Gaston to drag them along the lightspeed hop to the nearest inhabited system. Kheiros. It was a small dead end system. Only three planets in orbit around the Kheiros star and only two of those were inhabitable, one just barely. But Kheiros 2 was still a busy place and both Kheiros 2 and 3 had orbital docking stations, huge constructs that served as an extension of the planet. As they neared Kheiros 2 Gaston turned off the traction beam and Daizy fired up her ship's sublight engines. A transmission request light blinked on one of the displays and Daizy allowed it. A computerized voice spoke:
"Now approaching Orbital Docking Station K2-Beta. Please identify."
"Captain Daizy Byrne. Ship ID 7943261 alpha. Requesting docking permission for indeterminate stay pending repairs."
"Accepted. Please initiate docking procedure for docking bay H2."
Daizy hit a few buttons on the autopilot controls then watched it to make sure it was actually going to dock with the station and not attempt to fly straight through it. Thankfully it worked without a hitch, positioning her outside dock H2 so the station's traction beam could pull her into the docking bay. As the station slowly swallowed up Daizy's ship she couldn't help but notice Gaston's ship heading into a similar docking position nearby.

A few minutes later she managed to track down Jules. He was stuffing two oil-soaked towels into the laundry unit.
"I have to get round to fixing the shower units." he said. "I think I'll bump it up the 'to do' list once we have new engines. Oh that reminds me."
He looked pleadingly at Daizy and made a mock begging gesture.
"Puleeeeeaazze can I have fifty creds?"
Daizy didn't even need to ask what for. There was only one thing Jules enjoyed spending money on and that was the ever-thriving sex industry. Still, she couldn't blame him. He was Gromularian after all and it wasn't like he ever asked for money for anything else. They gripped left hands and Daizy transferred him fifty credits. Jules grinned.
"That's me taken care of." He handed her a piece of paper. "That's the engine model we need and the new scanning unit for Zeke. Say hi to Gaston for me." He made on obscene hand gesture and Daizy smiled.
"I'll pass that on. See you later."
She watched him scamper off eagerly and then looked down at the paper. At least both her ship and Zeke used fairly common parts. That would make things easy. Speaking of Zeke... She tried the comms a few times with no success and then went looking for him. He was 'asleep' in his sync pod. Zeke was a self powered model so didn't need to recharge but the sync pod allowed him to update his knowledge files from and also send information to the central database.
"Zeke."
"Yes Daizy."
"Come with me."
She waited while he disconnected and then led him off to the airlock. The station's docking bays were pressurized so she simply opened the door and stepped out. The ramp had already been extended by Jules as he made his mad dash for depravity and there, stood at the bottom of it with his entourage, was Gaston. Daizy marched down the ramp.
"If you're waiting for me to fling myself at you in gratitude you have a looooong wait." she said.
"I am merely being courteous." said Gaston, failing to conceal a smirk. "I fancied a leetle shopping myself, while I am here. My robot needs a polish."
He gestured to the black behemoth standing nearby. It was everything Zeke wasn't. Sleek, sexy, jet black, gleaming green lights for eyes. Its joints looked like they would be far more fluid than Zeke's. All in all, it looked like it knew how to kick ass.
"Yeah right." said Daizy. "I'm warning you Gaston. Stay the fuck away from my ship."
"Like I would be interested in 'La Poubelle des Étoiles'." He said dismissively. That was Gaston's favourite joke. Mocking her ship's name, 'Belle of the Stars'.
"Zeke, security protocol four." said Daizy and watched as Zeke took up his position in front of the airlock and detached his zap rifle from his back, gripping it in both hands.
"I know you Gaston." she continued. "You'd just love the chance to poke around Belle for clues about Talus."
"Dai-zee please. You are no closer to finding Talus than me. You have... no clues." he smirked. "And now no enzheene." he said, "Tomorrow I will continue zee search with my ship full of supplies once more."
Daizy knew what he was implying. After buying the engine she and Jules would be poor once more and that meant abandoning the search for Talus temporarily to make some cash. Daizy passed on Jules' obscene hand gesture and waltzed past Gaston and into the space station.

Bytesize 1.1

I dunno. It just kinda popped into my head. Honestly, I have only a vague plot so far but I'm working on it. So updates might be a little slow while I figure out where the story's going and how it's gonna get there. For now, here's the first byte.

Bytesize 1.1

Daizy stared out into space. Or rather she stared at the vidscreen showing the view outside of the ship which was the aforementioned space. She was beginning to hate the sight of space because, once the inital excitement had subsided, space was, in fact, fucking boring. It had been incredibly exciting two years ago, when she'd first bought this spaceship and left the miserable planet of Exerion Prime for the first time. But after two years of blundering through space it had become dull. It wasn't just the bleakness of the everlasting blackness that filled the vidscreen. There was also the fact that she shouldn't be seeing space. Or at least, not at this speed. She moved over to the comm unit and pressed the transmit button.
"Jules, we're out of lightspeed. What's going on?"
There was a long pause filled with static and then Jules' not so deep voice over the comm.
"The lightspeed engines are fucked!"
"That's not what I want to hear Jules. You're my engineer. Work on it. I'll comm you back in ten minutes and I want to hear good news."
She left the comm and flicked on the ship's autopilot. Under the power of the sublight engines it was more than capable of making sure they didn't hit anything. The ship though, was falling apart.
Daizy thought back to those early days working on the salvage yard and one day in particular that had set her out on this crazy path. A new ship had been towed in for salvage and as always she'd checked it over. There was nothing of any real interest until she found a hidden compartment beneath the captain's seat holding an ancient bottle of some spirit. A droid scan had revealed it to be whisky; not only that but a whisky of incredible rarity. She'd checked the flight recorder next and found the last entry pretty cryptic. All it consisted of was the Captain saying "Find Talus." and holding the whisky bottle up to the screen. There was also a set of co-ordinates that were incomplete, missing the reference star that would render them viable. She'd wiped that last entry and took the whisky bottle. That was what got her here. Quitting her job, selling the whisky, buying this heap of junk under the impression it would last far longer than it did. Truth was, she'd been taken for a fool. She got a fair price for the whisky but not for the ship. The lightspeed engines had been on their last legs two years ago and now Jules had his hands full just keeping them running.
Jules.
She buzzed the comm.
"Jules. Make me happy."
"The lightspeed engines are fucked!" said Jules once more.
Daizy sighed and tried the comms again.
"Zeke?"
Another long pause. More static. Even the comms were on their last legs. Finally a robotic voice came back to her.
"Voice pattern Daizy: Yes Daizy?"
"Zeke, meet me in the engine room."
"Affirmation: Yes Daizy."
Zeke came with the ship. He wasn't the best droid around. A little slow if Daizy was honest, which she almost always was. But he had his uses. He was humanoid in design and bipedal and she'd grown fond of him, even if his verbalisation module was somewhat screwed. She checked the autopilot once more to make sure it really was engaged then made her way to the engine room.
The scene when she got there was bizarre. Jules was half wedged in some machinery, just his wiggling legs visible, making intermittent clanking noises and swearing profusely while Zeke stood by repeating "Unknown protocol" in his same robotic monotone.
"Zeke, engine status." she said.
"Engine status is 'fucked'." mumbled Jules from inside the machinery.
"Scanning." said Zeke.
Daizy waited. Minutes passed, Jules cursed.
"Zeke?"
"Scanning." said Zeke.
"I think he needs a new scanning unit." said Jules.
"Scanning."
"Zeke for fuck's sake..."
"Engine status: Unrepairable."
"He said that last time." said Jules, clambering out from the mass of pipes. "This time though, I'm inclined to agree with him. We need a new lightspeed engine Daizy. Until then, sublight is all we've got."
"That's gonna cost most of our money." she sighed. "Zeke, how far to the nearest hospitable planet?"
"Scanning."
"Too far." said Jules. "I already checked. We're sitting dry out here."
"Then we're going to need a tow." Daizy bit her lip, "I'll contact Gast..."
"Don't say it!" yelled Jules."
"...on." said Daizy.
"Dammit!"
"Like it or not, Gaston's our only chance." said Daizy. "I don't know anyone else with a ship big enough to tow us. If you know otherwise Jules..."
"Nearest hospitable planet is Alph..."
"Forget it Zeke." said Daizy. She looked over at Jules. He was filthy, covered in engine oil and sweat. His dark black hair squashed from its usual spikey form into a tangled mass on his head. He was Gromularian which was basically a four foot high humanoid and Daizy's old friend from the salvage yard. She'd let him in on her plan from the start, knowing she'd need his skills if she was ever to find Talus.
"Clean yourself up Jules. I'll go see if I can get the long range comms online long enough to reach Gaston."
Jules threw a mocking salute.
"Aye aye, cap'n."


Back in the captain's chair Daizy tapped away at a computer keypad until the long range comms finally located Gaston's Ident signal. She paused, then decided there really was no other option and hit 'call'. It didn't take long for Gaston to answer and his image came up on the vidscreen. Gaston. Like the vast majority of races in the universe he too was humanoid though with some notable differences. The off-yellow skin for one and a third eye upon his forehead. All three eyes were insect-like compound structures. He smiled when he saw Daizy.
"Ah Dai-zee. To what do I owe ze pleasure?" he asked in his inexplicably French accent that always emphasized both syllables of her name.
"I need your help Gaston." said Daizy, "Our lightspeed engine conked out and we're stranded. Any chance of a tow?"
Gaston raised an eyebrow and she could see the metaphorical glint in his eyes.
"Sweet Dai-zee. I am a very bee-zee man. I would be sacrificing my other obligations..."
"I'll pay you Gaston."
"Four hundred credits." said Gaston, smiling.
"Two fifty." said Daizy, "I have a new engine to buy Gaston. Cut me a break."
"Fine, fine." said Gaston, waving a hand dismissively.
"Thanks. I'll send you our co-ordinates."
"Ah one more thing miss Dai-zee. As much as I trust in our long standing friendship... I must ask for ze credits up front."
"Yeah, sure."
Daizy slammed her left hand down on the palm scanner and transferred two hundred and fifty credits from her biochip into Gaston's account. The transaction must have been successful because Gaston grinned and nodded at the vidscreen.
"Merci. I shall be with you presently."
Daizy killed the vidscreen. Stupid slimy frenk. She hated dealing with Gaston. He took every opportunity to keep a close eye on Daizy for one simple reason. Talus. It had taken her the better part of the first year to discover exactly what Talus was. Back in the early days there had been a planet called Earth on the brink of ecological collapse. The humans living there had done the most logical thing they could do. They had escaped to the nearby planet of Mars. But the newly terraformed Mars didn't have all the resources Earth did and so they left behind a basic colony to produce the goods that they couldn't on Mars until there was nothing left on Earth to use. The last ship to leave Earth was a massive cargo ship called Talus. Legend had it that something went wrong as Talus neared Mars and instead of penetrating the planet's atmosphere the cargo ship was instead slingshotted out into deep space. And that was the last anyone ever saw of Talus. Millennia passed, the neo-Martians colonised other planets, met and interbred with other sentient races and eventually Talus' existence was forgotten. Or almost forgotten. Rumours of it still existed, that treasure trove of ancient Earth artefacts presumably still out there somewhere. But there'd never been any proof of its existence. At least not until Daizy had found the whisky. That was the proof that Talus not only existed but had been found by the ship's captain. At the time Daizy hadn't known it, but selling the bottle of whisky had confirmed the rumour and now many spacefarers hoped to make their fortunes by finding Talus. The search was on once more. And both Daizy and Gaston spent their days trying to find it.
Daizy took one last look at the autopilot, just to be sure, then made her way down to the shower cubicles.

The ship had three shower cubicles although at any given time only one of them would be working. She managed to find the working one on her second try and stood under the lukewarm water. Finding Talus would make her rich and save her having to take on odd jobs just to make ends meet. All she had to do was find it and beat Gaston and countless others to it. And speaking of odd jobs, they were going to have to find something to do to earn some more cash now they had the engines to replace. That probably meant a cargo run. She finished her shower and dried herself off then checked herself out in the mirror. She ran a comb through her bright blue hair that hung midway down her back. She'd inherited that from her father and her pale skin from her mother. Mixed race, half-Exerian, half-Talimarian. Could have been a worse mix. At least she had the standard number of limbs, heads and eyes, which unlike Gaston's were also humanoid in nature if a pale yellow colour. As if he could sense her undressed state the incoming comm signal sounded and she knew Gaston had arrived even before she pressed the button and heard his voice.
"It eez I, cherie. Gaston, your rescuer."

Puzzles

One part of my week that I look forward to is when my Dad gets the latest TV guide. Not because I ever look at it, or watch much TV, no. But he likes to do the puzzles. Puzzles that take the form of a crossword. Once the crossword is complete you take the letters from the highlighted squares and rearrange them to answer one final clue. And invariably he comes to me seeking the last couple of missing letters he needs, or to solve the anagram because, not only am I good at anagrams but I invariably soak up information without realising it (such as knowing Nina Wadia plays a character in Eastenders. I've never watched the show, but I know her name and knew it fitted the letter pattern available). It's just a shame it tends to be over too quickly. Today's went a little like this.

Me: Nina Wadia. Your last letter's an A.
Dad: Ok so we have sixteen letters. It's a Tv presenter, 7, 9.
(He shows me the letters)
(Two seconds pass)
Me: Claudia Winkleman.
Dad: Well done!

Sometimes it's nice to be useful, even in a useless way. You know?

Reading

So having finished Ed's story I took a little break to catch up on some reading. Oh sure my xfire profile will tell you that I also did some heavy hours on Counterstrike (ranked 3rd on the server out of over 1500 :P) but I have been reading my socks off.
I started with "Colony" by Rob Grant. Been meaning to read that for a while. It was amusing and quirky, as expected from Red Dwarf's co-creator. A little short though and the ending... Weeeeelllll. I'm left wondering if I interpreted his intention correctly. :P You can never tell.

And then I began reading the Complete Sherlock Holmes. :D I can't remember when I bought it but it's another one I've been meaning to read like forever. I think I was probably cajoled into picking it up by having seen the new film recently. That was worth a look by the way. Much better than I expected for a Guy Ritchie offering. The book is simply a collection of all the stories as they were published in The Strand magazine. The thing it that stands out is just how short they are. Some of these early mysteries are over in no time at all and yet still there's a fair bit packed into though, most of it of course simply based around Holmes's unerring logic.

And then I read Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan. It's a great premise for a book. Two people, both called Will Grayson, each one written by one of the authors. The Wills don't know each other at the start of the book but near the middle they meet. It's pretty good, both writers have managed to create distinctly different Will Graysons and a small supporting cast. All in all, it's bloody good. And John Green is awesome. Which is why I also started reading another book of his called "An Abundance of Katherines".

But then I got annoyed with myself for not being able to write as well as Rob Grant, Conan Doyle or John Green. And that of course just make me determined to make sure the next project is even better. It occurred to me that that really means leaving Ed behind. It's a shame, and maybe he'll return some time. But I think I'm done with Ed for now. As for what's coming and when, I don't know. I get the feeling an idea is brewing at the back of my mind but I'm not allowed to peek yet. But I can feel it there. When it's ready, I'll get right on it.