Puck Foetry

Puck Foetry

We used to live in a world where children were seen but not heard
Now they're a chaos-driven rabble, a bloodthirsty herd
Stabbing other children and grown ups alike
'Father of five killed by knife-wielding tyke'
At night roaming streets using hoodies to hide
Whilst wearing gang colours with such misplaced pride
Lives that are hollow and driven by greed
Unable to write 'cos they can't fucking read
Communicating with each other by electronic slang
Texting their mate by their side in the park where they hang
While we try our best to save their tomorrow
They practice their skills, to beg, steal or borrow
Money for the things they're unable to nick
Six cans of cider, they'll drink 'til they're sick
Oblivious parents so quick to protect
Their foul mouthed young spawn without a shred of respect
Biting at the teat the moment it's sucked
If children are our future, we're totally fucked

© Charon 2009

Just a thought.

I could never write something like Star Wars. I'd spend way too long trying to figure out how Darth Vader manages to eat...
Or poop come to think of it.

Bitemarks 2.1

Bitemarks 2.1

Skarletta admired her reflection in the shop window. The clothes she had acquired pleased her. Her jeans were black baggy denim. Her trainers, soft and comfortable, made her feel like the gazelle they were named after. And atop that she had a plain blue T-shirt and a small black denim jacket. She marvelled at how far the clothing industry had come, for she remembered only too clearly now the ragged animal pelts of the past. All around her she had seen people with vastly different forms of dress. It certainly made it easier for her to fit in among the crowd. She adjusted her gaze to look through the shop window. The last customer was just leaving and that was her cue to enter. The man inside greeted her as she entered and she returned the greeting, smiling. Her body had assimilated so much blood since her rebirth. It was time to put her knowledge of the Dherroine tongue to the test.
"How can I help you?" he asked politely.
"I require information." she said.
"About?"
"Everything. History, culture... science." That last word was a concept she didn't understand too well but she was all too eager to know what it encompassed.
"Tourist?" the man asked, laughing, "You probably want to head to the library. They have internet terminals for the public."
Library. Yes. That sounded useful.
"Where can I find this library?"
"You're not that far actually. St David's Library is pretty huge. There's a map just down the street. Can't miss it."
"Thank you."
Skarletta gave him a wink and watched his response before turning and leaving. The men of this age were just like the men of old. Strong in body yet weak in will. They would serve her well.
She left the shop and made her way outside. The man had indicated she go left and so she did. A map? This was a piece of paper with markings of places and the routes to them. Why would it be out in the street? Her answer was soon revealed as a minute later she found herself stood before a large sign holding a map of the area beneath waterproof plastic. She touched the plastic with her finger. How very clever. Rendering the fragile paper immune to the ravages of the weather. Plastic.
A big red arrow pointed at her current location and she traced her finger down the street to the large library. A short distance. And then, then she would find this internet. She knew not what one was. The word was too complicated for mere blood to convey, but if a library was a repository for all knowledge then it would be a good place for her to start. She knew that she needed this knowledge but so far she couldn't remember why. Something was calling her. And there was still the second hunger. Not for blood, for she had fed well the night before. This was something else, just as animalistic. Ingrained in her soul and burning away at her insides. She had felt it a few times now. Once as her eyes first fell on Dr Keibler. Again when fighting the soldiers outside the Arctic base. When attacked in the alleyway. And just then when the shopkeeper greeted her. She hoped that the library could answer all her questions.

Hooray.

Well, having hopefully made my point that you should question your beliefs and that even if those beliefs differ from my own they can still be valid and we can still be friends, it's time for some other news!

I have a new computer! :D

The stats of which can be found at the following link for those interested.
http://www.xfire.com/profile/charonicus/#game_rig

Climate Change

It seems my initial info on this subject fell on deaf ears. Perhaps it's time to bust some myths.

A good place to start reading is here.
http://www.climatechangefacts.info/

In particular it covers the following.
http://www.fel.duke.edu/~scafetta/pdf/opinion0308.pdf
A paper by Scafetta and West.
Nicola Scafetta is a research associate in the Duke University physics department. Bruce West is chief scientist in the mathematical and
information science directorate, US Army Research Office, in Research Triangle Park, North Carolina.
Remember what I said about Argument from Authority though. Just because these guys are scientists does not make them right. It's a complex paper, but one key point is of interest. They claim 69% of observed warming is caused by the sun. Because of course, the sun is a big ball of gas that will get hotter and hotter until eventually it uses up its fuel and begins to die, plunging the Earth into icy coldness.

Returning to the main article, I find this paragraph interesting.

It is generally accepted that the Earth has been much warmer than today, for example, in the time of the dinosaurs (the mid-cretaceous period) when the CO2 was 2 to 4 times greater than today (NOAA). More recently, in the prior period between ice ages, just 125,000 years ago, the Earth also was much warmer than today and the sea level much higher - by about 13 to 20 feet (4 to 6 meters) (IPCC). The primary driver of the past climate shifts is believed to be orbital mechanics and solar variability, with some contribution from Earth geophysical processes, such as volcanic eruptions. It is also known that mankind's contribution to CO2 is just a small percent (3%) of the total amount and that the total is very small - there is 23.6 times more argon (.009) in the atmosphere than CO2 (.00038). Lastly, we know that the Earth's temperature and the level of CO2 rise and fall roughly together, but it is not clear (not proven) whether this is cause and effect by either variable. In a first attempt (Hadley-chart) to use a CO2 - based model to predict temperatures, the results are not impressive at all and are exactly opposite observations.

Some interesting stuff too on rising sea levels.
Dr. Nils-Axel Mörner (leading expert on sea level): "If you go around the globe, you find no rise anywhere. But they need the rise, because if there is no rise, there is no death threat. They say there is nothing good to come from a sea-level rise, only problems, coastal problems. If you have a temperature rise, if it’s a problem in one area, it’s beneficial in another area. But sea level is the real “bad guy,” and therefore they have talked very much about it. But the real thing is, that it doesn’t exist in observational data, only in computer modeling."
Professor Nils-Axel Mörner, Head of Paleogeophysics & Geodynamics, Stockholm University, Sweden President, (1999-2003) of the INQUA Commission on Sea Level Changes and Coastal Evolution, Leader of the Maldives Sea Level Project
Seems legit?
So the glaciers are melting but not causing the sea level to rise... Didn't I mention this just a few days ago in the Bitemarks 1.10 comments? Hmmm, yes I did. And here's a leading expert on sea levels agreeing with me. I'm feeling positive. I'm inclined to believe. In fact, since the Ice Age, sea level has fallen...
*strokes chin*
Interesting...

So just how much CO2 is there? Shitloads right? We're pumping it out in tons!
These gases in the atmosphere (in order) by percent are:
Nitrogen 78.1%
Oxygen 20.9%
Argon 0.9%
Carbon Dioxide 0.0378% (NCAR 2005)
Neon 0.002%
Helium 0.0005%
Methane 0.0001778% (NCAR 2005)
Krypton 0.0001%
Hydrogen 0.00005%
Water vapor 0 to 4%
Ozone 0.000004%

Oh... Well those figures are four years old... But still. You see my point?

So global warming... What about global cooling?
http://www.climatecooling.org/

As the sun goes even quieter and January, 2008 saw the greatest year to year temperature drop ever (128 years of NASA GISS data) and thru the end of 2008 remains relatively cool, it is clear cooling needs to be considered as a very plausible future.

:O Warming, cooling? Which is it?!

The southern hemisphere has been cooling over the last 10 years, just about as much as the north has been warming.

:o Both?! But that's bizarre! Does this mean... that there's no real net change? O_O Possibly.

Well that's a lot of information to take in and I doubt you've read it all. But already some interesting 'facts' have come to light. No rise in sea level whatsoever. CO2 levels 2-4 times LOWER than when the dinosaurs ruled the Earth (what sort of industrialization were they running?!) Temperatures both increasing and decreasing. CO2 linked to both warming and cooling and neither! O_O

Who to believe... That's your decision. All I can do is provide you with the information scientists make available.

Thou Shalt Think For Thyselves!

This isn't the blog where we'll go into details about climate change. This is a precursor. Allow me to introduce you to a concept called "Argument from Authority". It amuses me ironically to quote this direct from Wikipedia.

"Argument from authority or appeal to authority is a logical fallacy, where it is argued that a statement is correct because the statement is made by a person or source that is commonly regarded as authoritative. The most general structure of this argument is:

Source A says that p.
Source A is authoritative.
Therefore, p is true.

This is a fallacy because the truth or falsity of the claim is not necessarily related to the personal qualities of the claimant, and because the premises can be true, and the conclusion false (an authoritative claim can turn out to be false). It is also known as argumentum ad verecundiam (Latin: argument to respect) or ipse dixit (Latin: he himself said it). [1]

On the other hand, arguments from authority are an important part of informal logic. Since we cannot have expert knowledge of many subjects, we often rely on the judgments of those who do. There is no fallacy involved in simply arguing that the assertion made by an authority is true. The fallacy only arises when it is claimed or implied that the authority is infallible in principle and can hence be exempted from criticism."

And as a reasonably intelligent seeming person (Apple in my eye) wrote regarding this applied to a different subject.
"And, the other way around -- that someone is automatically incorrect because they are not an authority."

All this will hopefully serve to remind you that you are your own person. A hilarious accident has bestowed you with life and a complex organ known as a brain enabling you to observe and question everything around you. When another person feeds you information you have to make the conscious decision on whether to believe them or not. This decision has to be independent from trust. Let's face it, it's trust in authority that left you believing in a certain fictional seasonal character (Santa) for years on end. Examine as much evidence as possible then draw your own conclusions and even then, you might still be wrong, but at least you tried.

I'll also throw in something else I know. Perception, as you are aware, is something I find fascinating. Perception is the mystical property that allows us all to see things differently. It's why we like different music and different films and have different values, principles and views. The police force is one body that is all too aware of the power of perception. When an incident occurs and the police take witness statements, the one thing they expect to find is inconsistencies. When witness statements match perfectly, someone's lying. This is because people see things very differently. It's why, after my robbery experience, I (A 20 something male face to face with the robber) described him as being only a bit taller than me, 5'10 or thereabouts, whereas my coworker, Linda (A 50 something woman standing some distance away) described him as being 6'3". Neither of us were lying and tbh, I don't know for sure how tall he turned out to be, but such a result is to be expected. In the heat of the moment, Linda made her judgement, partly in fear, seeing him tower over me. I made mine from my peripheral vision, my focus more on the knife swishing in front of me than the robber himself. It's up to the police to decide which report is the more accurate. Likely he was somewhere in between, around 6 foot.

This is why it's important to question other things in your life that you may have taken for granted based upon someone else's perception. If you were brought up Christian or Muslim or whatever, it's a good idea to take a step back and examine your faith. Discuss such matters with members of other religions and athiests. Maybe you'll decide your beliefs have changed, or maybe you'll come out of it more convinced than ever that you have made the correct decision. But until you do question it, you're just believing someone else's perception blindly. You're believing in Santa because your parents told you to.

And likewise you should rarely believe what you read in the papers or see on the news. They too get it wrong. If you pay careful enough attention you'll often see apologies for false information buried on page 33, completely discounting a previous day's headlines.

Aleister Crowley once said "Nothing is true and everything is permitted."

NOTHING is true. Question everything. And be prepared to change your mind as new facts come to light! You won't be alone. The Jews, for example, are often willing to reinterpret their holy texts as science reveals new information that could not have been known at the time of their writing. They accept that the holy texts are not fully accurate. That their God made the world but also gave them the power to figure out the finer workings of it for themselves and come to new understandings about his teachings, methods and intentions.

But let me not get all caught up in religious issues. It's simply an easy way of explaining my message. Think for yourselves. Leave the blind autonomy for the lesser creatures.

As

As

You can't see the sadness in her eyes
With practice cleverly disguised
It's not her fault she looks away
Just too much on her mind today
And though the words energize you
They leave her drained and feeling blue
She's out of place and out of time
Trapped in her body and her mind

All she knows is something's wrong
In this world she don't belong
Just an actress playing a part
Why is everything so hard?
Every question breeds confusion
Reality just an illusion?

But now you've moved beyond a drain
Vampiric pupils cause her pain
Her inner sanctuary violated
Her sense of fear exacerbated
Her world is sent spinning around
Overwhelmed by lights and sounds
As the sirens blare she's trapped
Inside the void as her mind snaps

All she knows is something's wrong
In this world she don't belong
Just an actress playing a part
Why is everything so hard?
Why is it they can't comprehend
It's just a shut-down, not the end

All she needs is to be alone
Back in the safety of her home
Wallowing in familiar despair
Tapping fingers and pulling out her hair
She's used to being branded a freak
For taking pride in being unique
She appreciates the irony too
What's weird to her is normal to you

All she knows is something's wrong
This is her world, you don't belong
Tired of having to hide behind a hood
Tired of living a life misunderstood
Sick of being the actress playing her part
The endless pretension is just too hard

She's over conscious when she talks
She feels unstable when she walks
She doesn't mean to be rude or curt
She wishes she weren't so easily hurt

All she knows is something's wrong
This is her world, you don't belong
Your every move creates confusion
Coming clean is no solution
There's just no way you could understand
So she shows the puppet, not her hand

© Charon 2009

Self-destruct

I'm a busy bunny, people. There'll be more Bitemarks to come sometime soon, once the rest of my computer components arrive and I'm in possession of a more stable internet connection. There may even be a blog on climate change on its way if Ches isn't content with information I've already provided him with. I'm sure you all would sleep happier in your beds knowing that you don't need to worry about it half as much as you are.

But now is not the time for such things. See the comments on the last Bitemarks if your curiosity is aroused. For now, it's poetry time. Written on non-recycled paper!! ZOMG.
(Just kidding. Paper recycling is fairly important. It's a nice easy way to reduce the amount of trees that are chopped down. And trees are both useful and pretty. They just happen to be more useful to me when mashed up and rolled out and bleached white. Keep on recycling.)

Self-destruct

I paint my face with hidden wants
Matt black torment I know so well
Tattoo my nightmares in two fonts
Times New Roman and Arial
Hide behind my mental blanket
Shield-like metaphor
Shiver in the stress because I'm tense
I will be and I was before
But my haven isn't waterproof
And the static panic rains right through
Left to face my demons all alone
In a cell filled with only pictures of you
In this prison-cum-asylum
I'm the patient and the jailer
I'm the shining light that burns my eyes
I'm the darkness turning me paler
Nothing to fear but fear itself
And fear thy name is me
I still stare back as the mirror cracks
I'm my own worst enemy

© Charon 2009

Bitemarks 1.10

Bitemarks 1.10

Ed followed Beauclair. He saw no reason not to. Every bit of information about what he faced was going to be useful.
"So why the cane?" he asked.
"Because I'm... ageing, Ed. My kind, we... require food to repair our bodies and... keep them functioning, much... like you do. I haven't fed... properly since the... cull. These days I... have to content myself with... livestock. So I have to... voluntarily forego... the luxuries of my body's... innate healing. But don't think me weak... If need be I could... muster enough energy to return my youth... temporarily."
"So you haven't fed on a human since the cull?"
"Well... there was one time. But I was given... special dispensation in return for my... assistance."
"What?"
"I did my part, Ed. I am not... averse to helping. Let us simply say... they never did find... Hitler's body."
"You killed Hitler? You don't expect me to believe that."
"You have an... alternative theory perhaps? One that makes... more sense?"
Ed said nothing. It was true he had no alternative theory and given what he knew of the Bureau's methods it wasn't completely unlikely after all. He changed the subject.
"So where are we going?"
"To see the artefacts. And here we are."
Beauclair stopped and Ed looked past him. The hallway they were in terminated ahead in a large steel vault door. There were two similar doors to the left and right. Beauclair punched in a code on a keypad beside the left door, offered up a fingerprint and retina scan and finally spoke a short sentence to confirm his voice pattern. Satisfied the technology unlocked the vault's door for him.
"My artefact room." Beauclair smiled.
Ed stepped through the doorway into a vast chamber. Each wall lined with tall bookshelves filled with books and sheaves of paper. In the centre, various cabinets and tables held all manner of curiosities.
"What's in the other two vaults?" asked Ed.
"One is my wealth." said Beauclair, "And the other... the other is just for me."
"What is all this stuff?"
"Vampiric relics. Literature written in our own tongue. Artefacts that were... once of importance to us. Some may even still be... significant, who knows. It's my last... link to my heritage."
"Where did it all come from?"
"Archaeological digs mostly. And now you see why... I have been funding such... excursions."
"You were treasure hunting?"
"In a... manner of speaking."
"And what did you send Keibler's team to unearth?"
Beauclair didn't answer him straight away. He motioned to one side, where a desk sat with one hefty tome atop it. The book was open and they both made their way over to it. Ed looked at the open pages. They were written in a strange language, strings of conjoined symbols not unlike Arabic.
"What language is that?"
"Ancient Karal."
"Karal?"
"It is what we... used to call ourselves. Before you humans named us yourselves. We were the... Karal, you dubbed us... vampires."
"What's it say?"
"That's difficult to say... It is... a complex tongue... long since unspoken. But it speaks of an artefact of great... significance. The... Holy Grail of the Karal... as it were. It tells of the buried... remains of the first of our kind. The body of the Mother."
There was merely silence as Ed stared at the indecipherable pages, letting this information sink in.

Bitemarks 1.9

Wow. Monday already? That was quick. :S I have ordered a new computer. So I may find myself busy for a few days, setting it up, transferring everything over from my old computer etc so you'll have to bear with me. Also, it's incredibly difficult to find out information about military callsigns. So I had to just go off information I already had. Don't expect it to be too accurate. ¬¬

Bitemarks 1.9

"Hotel One Niner this is Zero Alpha. Please respond."
Skarletta sat in the back of the helicopter as she heard the voice crackle through the pilot's headset. She was still far from fluent in this new tongue but the messages grew increasingly urgent.
"Hotel One Niner, this is Zero Alpha. Please respond!"
Skarletta looked out of the side of the chopper at the land far below. She wasn't really sure how high a drop she could survive but this was no time for uncertainty.
"Fly lower." she commanded the pilot and the chopper began to descend.
"Hotel One Niner this is Zero Alpha. Intercept en route."
She didn't like the sound of that. Intercept. She pulled the chopper's side door open and peered out. They were getting lower. She waited. Waited as long as she dare. Waited until it felt right. When she judged the height to be sufficient she ordered the pilot to ascend again and then leapt from the chopper. She'd chosen her point specifically for the tall buildings she could see below her, reducing the height of her fall dramatically. Still it hurt as she crashed onto the solid concrete roof of one of the buildings. Despite their strength the bones in her legs snapped clean and rocketed through the skin and she struck the back of her head hard against the unyielding surface and passed out.

When she came to night had fallen. She rubbed the back of her head. It felt intact though it throbbed like crazy. Her body's unique metabolism had taken care of her wounds while she had been unconscious and she tentatively rose to her feet. The bones had repaired and she was thankful for that. But now she felt the hunger again. The need to feed to replace that lost life energy. Food first, she told herself, then she would have the energy to spawn some distractions.
The roof she was on was high but not as high as the drop from the copter. She leapt nimbly over the edge and landed catlike on a lower roof nearby. From there it was a simple drop to the alleyway between the two. Her initial bone breaking fall had left her uniform trousers in tatters and she reminded herself of the need for clothing to blend among the Dherroine. She needed to orient herself with this place. She peeked out of the alley into the lit street. People milled about, going about whatever business kept them from their domiciles at such hour. She checked behind her. The alleyway continued around the corner of the smaller building and she followed it. There was a male Dherroine at the other end, leaning unsteadily against the wall. He smelt funny and so did his blood. Instinct told her he was not good to feed upon and so she made to walk past him.
"Well hello there darling."
His hand fell on her shoulder as she passed him. Unusual. She actually fought the urge to tear it from its socket. What did this filthy Dherroine want so badly that he dare lay a hand upon her. It took her even more by surprise as his grip tightened and he spun her round to face him before shoving her back hard against the alley wall. Bemused, Skarletta stared into the man's eyes. The man leered at her and she smelt the stench again. It was coming from his breath. Memories flooded back to her. Certain beverages containing a substance, alcohol, she rolled that word around her brain, alcohol which made Dherroine act foolish and tasted foul to her mouth. Even while she mulled this thought over she felt the man suddenly stuff his hand, forcibly, down the waistband of her trousers. She had no idea what this fool thought he was doing but had tired of him now. Still staring quietly into his eyes she returned the action, stuffing her hand into his trousers. She took a firm grip on what she found down there, smiled wickedly, and pulled with all her might. The bloodcurdling scream that left the Dherroine's mouth was music to her ears. She headbutted him square on the forehead and watched him reel backwards. She shook her head, tossed the man's severed genitals to the far side of the alley and planted a foot in his face. There was a crunch as the heel of her foot caved in his skull and then he screamed no more. Such a pity he was tainted by that alcohol. Her hunger was growing by the second...

4shared

Some of you may remember that I mentioned Geocities was shutting down a few months ago which left me with no more online storage. However. A friendly Malaysian chap I bumped into on last.fm pointed me towards 4shared. And it's pretty fantastic. ^^ So all the In the Bloods and the two volumes of poetry are back online. There's a link down there on the left in the "places you can find me" box. Or you can just head over to:
http://charon.4shared.com
And it's free! :o Ten whole gig of storage for nothing. Awesome. You may even notice I stuck the song that me 'n' Kreate made ages ago. Available for download or...


Embed code! :D Win. So if "Song for the Girl" gets turned into a song I'll likely shove that up there too. I've also uploaded some other things like the "Learn English" and "Descent into Madness" series.

It's pretty awesome. ^^

Words I Hate.

Nightlife.

Noun
Nightlife is all the entertainment and social activities that are available at night in towns and cities, such as nightclubs and theatres.

...

Nightclubs and theatres. Well there's two opposite ends of the fucking spectrum right there. Those are two things that really deserved to be lumped together. 'Cos they're gonna attract the same crowd of people. Nightclubs and theatres...
Nightlife.
This place has such great nightlife... so if you get bored trying to get to sleep don't worry about it, there's both nightclubs and theatres so you're bound to find something to do.

Nightclubs as well while I'm on about it. Nightclubs. Clubs exclusively for night time. They require that night prefix (It's not a fucking prefix!) to differentiate them from the many dayclubs I've accidentally stumbled into...
Theatres are open during the day right? So what are they then? They're not part of the nightlife. So they must be part of the daylife. Along with the dayclubs. And day spas! Which means that somewhere there are people chilling in a night spa...

It's just unnecessary. Telling me somewhere has nightlife is pointless. What you're really saying is that it has a theatre and one or more nightclubs. One or more nightclubs that are exactly the same as each other inside, play the same music, have the same knobheads milling round out front and smell of the same sick. With names like 'Yeah!' or 'Badgers' or something that ends in 'bar'. In Manchester alone, within walking distance of each other we had Kro Bar, Scubar, Zumeba and Bar Bar.
Kinda makes me hate the word 'bar'.

And I hate all the words for paint that's not exactly white but not quite cream. Loads of made up words. Like these... these are actual names of colours (for women and gay men):
Ghost White.
Old Lace? O_O
Cosmic Latte...

Cosmic latte!! WTF! How can you take a word like cosmic and ruin it by mixing it with a stupid word like latte. Latte which is some weird bastardization of milky.
"I'll have a skinny latte"
"A what?"
"Coffee, white, no sugar"

Bah.

Cosmic fucking latte. Who even gets to name colours? Wasn't that Adam's job? Or did he just name the animals and fuck everything else?
God: So Adam, I made like 50 shades of white. Wanna name them?
Adam: Fuck off.

Or something. That might not have been the actual dialogue. In fact probably not because they wouldn't have spoke in English.

Sooooo...

Don't say Nightlife any more. Or I'll introduce you to its opposite...
Nightdeath!
*stab*

Bitemarks 1.8

Bitemarks 1.8

It was dark by the time Ed finally found the address. He was so deep into rural France he didn't even know which region it was anymore. Even Google maps had tried to convince him the address didn't exist. In the end he had to rely on a handful of scribbled notes from Alf and the rental car waiting at the airport to get him to his destination. And so here he was, parked up on a windy country road that led through forested mountains, facing a dark wooden gate. He looked up, his eyes following the wooden staircase that led up to the house. He climbed out of the car and tucked his gun, for all the good it would do, into the waistband of his jeans. He smoothed his t-shirt back over it but it did little to hide the bulge so he fastened the bottom three buttons on his leather trenchcoat. He didn't intend to kill Beauclair and knew he probably couldn't if he did want to but it made him feel more secure. He steeled himself, pushed the gate open and started climbing the staircase. It terminated in decking at the top that ran along the wall of the house and a large wooden door. Ed took a deep breath then rapped loudly upon it. He waited, counting towards sixty in his head. When he reached the minute mark he raised his fist to knock again but the door swung open before he could. Ed wasn't going to let himself be unnerved and stepped through, pushing the door closed behind him before it could slam shut of its own accord. There was no one inside but the lights were on, although rather dim for his liking. There were doors to his left and right but they were closed and so Ed wandered down the hallway a little further. He passed two more doors and then the hall opened out into a staircase not unlike his father's place. He heard a sound to his left and turned to see an old man hobbling towards him, a cane held firmly in his left hand. Ed sized him up. He was just over six feet tall though slightly hunched and his long hair was grey. No, not grey, silver, like an ageing Hollywood actor. He smiled at Ed with a mouthful of yellowed yet sharp teeth. He flexed his fingers wrapped around the cane's handle, giving Ed a good glimpse of his jet black pointed fingernails. Impeccably manicured and impeccably tailored too in a crisp purple suit with white shirt. It hung open at the neck, no tie. He pulled his right hand from his pocket to reveal a black electronic device.
"Remote control for... the door." he explained, "Just... a parlour trick really."
He pressed it and the door opened then closed again behind Ed. Ed shrugged.
"Can't say I'm surprised." he said, noting that Beauclair had spoken in English, albeit with a mild French accent. "I take it Alf told you I was coming."
Beauclair nodded.
"And from your English accent... and mention of him I deduce... that I find myself in the presence... of Ed Baxter."
He had a peculiar way of talking, pausing at certain moments like somebody doing a caricatured William Shatner impersonation.
"And you're Jean Beauclair. Which completes the pleasantries."
"Quite..." A lengthier pause, "But we need not... talk in the corridor like scullerymaids... come... I have the... fire in the drawing room."
He turned and hobbled off and Ed followed him.

Beauclair led him into a large drawing room. Sure enough a fire burnt away in a large hearth. There were three quilted comfortable looking chairs arranged in a semi-circle around the fireplace and a sturdy semi-circular table separating them from the flames. Atop the table were two brandy glasses containing what Ed could only presume to be brandy, and a large ashtray that looked to be ivory. Two fat cigars sat alongside it. Beauclair made his way to the furthest chair and lowered himself into it. Ed followed his lead and sat down. Beauclair raised one of the brandy glasses and took a slug, sighing.
"Try the brandy." he offered, "I assure you it is... not poisoned or tainted. In fact, it's... older than you are."
Ed was cautious but he raised the brandy glass and took a sniff. It smelled of nothing other than alcohol and he took a mouthful, feeling it burn its way down his throat. Beauclair pulled a silver cigar cutter from his pocket and snipped the end off one of the cigars and offered it to Ed. Ed lit the cigar with his zippo and then offered the flame to Beauclair.
"So... you have come a long way to... see me. Alf was a little... vague about your reasons."
Ed flicked ash from the fat cigar.
"You seem a smart man Beauclair. Why don't you tell me what you... deduce?"
He laughed at that and tapped a pointed fingernail upon the desk.
"Yes... very well. You have become aware of me... yes?" he looked to Ed for confirmation but he was giving nothing away. "And you were the man sent to check... on Dr Keibler and his team... tell me. What of Dr Keibler?"
Ed leaned back and stretched his arms a little.
"Ok Beauclair. Let's cut through the crap. I know you bought your way out of the cull. I know that you're a vampire."
"Yes, the... last of my kind."
"There you're wrong."
"Oh?"
"Dr Keibler and his team are dead, Beauclair. All of them. Killed by one, possibly more, vampires."
Beauclair seemed genuinely surprised at this.
"And what led you to this... conclusion?"
"They were fed upon." Ed replied, "All ten of them."
This time Beauclair actually seemed shocked.
"But that's ridiculous. Even... at my height I... never fed off ten men in a day."
"Well then it's a remarkable fucking coincidence isn't it?" asked Ed, not even trying to conceal the sarcasm. "One solitary vampire survives the cull. Then all these years later he sends an archaeologist to the remote north where suddenly they are attacked by another vampire. One which feels the need to feed on all ten of them. Feel free to fill in the holes here."
"I..."
"You can start with why you sent Dr Keibler and his team to their deaths."
"I had no idea Ed... They were searching for... well..."
"What? What did they find?"
Beauclair sighed.
"This will be easier if I show you a little something."
He rose to his feet, leaving the cane behind.
"Come with... me Ed. Perhaps I... can she some light upon this."

Bitemarks 1.7

Bitemarks 1.7

Skarletta lay in the snow and listened to the sound of the second helicopter landing. She couldn't see but she could hear their heartbeats, feel their pulses. Six of them were nervous, poised to leap from the metal contraption as it neared the floor. The other was the pilot. That career choice was the only reason he would survive the next few minutes. The helicopter touched down and she heard the crunch of six pairs of boots hitting the snow.
"Go go go." she heard one of them yell. And so she did.
She flipped herself up from her hiding place beneath the snow and launched herself into the air. Even as the soldiers turned to face the sound she was passing over their heads to land on the floor behind them. Six assault rifles whirled round to fix on her position. One was too slow. She kicked the weapon from the hands of the nearest soldier and punched a hole through his gut. Panic took over the remaining men. In a flurry of confusion they fired. Skarletta felt a torrent of bullets riddle her chest and howled. She jumped again, landing in the centre of the group. The soldiers had no choice but to stop firing lest they hit each other and in the seconds that it took them to reformulate their plan and try to reposition themselves she killed two more, snapping their necks like twigs. The weapons they had had hurt her but she had weapons of her own. Fear and surprise were evident on the soldiers cries as they questioned aloud why she still stood, dripping blood from the many bullet holes. She saw them making the most of their comrades death. Watched the expert way they circled until the three remaining men all stood facing her. The weapons were rising again and she had no desire to take a second barrage. She moved with all the speed she could muster, grabbing the closest soldier and sliding behind him. Even as the other soldiers fired she held her captive in front of her as a shield. Some bullets made it through and struck her but the burst of fire was brief as they realised their mistake. It was still too late. Their mistake had cost them their lives. She threw their betrayed comrade at one of the remaining soldiers and vaulted over to the other. She landed behind him, snapped his neck and dashed to the last. She could hear the helicopter taking off and had little time. He'd managed to dodge the lifeless ragdoll of his teammate and raised his weapon against her. Skarletta snarled and snatched the gun from his grasp. He was too scared to put up a fight and she swung the weapon round, clubbing him across the head with the butt. He fell and Skarletta tossed the rifle aside. She stopped only briefly, to bend down and drink deeply from his neck then turned back to the chopper. The bullet holes in her chest began to close over as she watched the chopper climbing higher into the sky. She crouched, tensing her muscles as tightly as she could and launched herself into the sky. She timed it beautifully, landing on the windshield of the chopper without striking the rotors and grinned at the panicking pilot. She pulled back a fist and punched the glass. It didn't break. She stared at the pilot through the window. He stared back. Skarletta smiled and forced the Thrall upon him.
"Fly" she commanded him mentally, "Return to where you came from." and dutifully the pilot obliged. Skarletta sighed deeply and manoeuvred herself along the side of the chopper until she could open the side hatch and clamber inside. She lay in the back of the chopper, breathing heavily as her wounds healed. She didn't like these uniformed Dherroine. Their weapons were powerful and accurate and dangerous. Moreso than any she'd previously known. In number they could be her death. It was time for her to swell her own ranks...

Chasing Ms Quinn

Playing Batman reminded me just how much I love Harley Quinn. ^^





And a chance to ogle the amazing design work in detail. Beautiful.



Sense of humour, kooky dress sense, slightly demented, simultaneously intelligent and stupid... what's not to love?!

I jus' cannae dae it cap'n!

You see... sometimes it gets to this point.

He seals his secret thoughts in a simple paper packet
Pops it safely in a pocket on the inside of his jacket
Stops to take a look at her picture in his locket...


This is the point where I bang my head against the table and cry, "I can't do it. I'm not Eminem, it's too hard!"
*thud*

There's just no way I can squeeze a decent line in there and still turn it into some decent poem. I pondered "Pulled back to the memory with the speed of a space rocket" then beat my head against the desk again. It's just one of those ideas that's going nowhere.

My point, and there is one, is that this shit is HARD! And thus, I always appreciate your patience in waiting for my genius to emerge from its somewhat bruised cocoon.
Night night.

Bitemarks 1.6

Just a short one because I have to go to work.

Bitemarks 1.6

Ed didn't bother knocking on Alf's door. He shoved it open and barged inside. Alf was sitting at his desk filling in paperwork.
"Ed?..."
"How long has Beauclair been funding this organization, Alf?"
"I don't see how that's relevant."
"Oh it's relevant, Alf, very fucking relevant."
"What happened?"
"The excavation team are dead. All dead, even the soldiers."
"How?"
"A vampire."
"Impossible." Alf pushed his glasses up his nose. "Vampires are extinct."
"Are they, Alf? Are they really? Because let me tell you. Even a schoolchild could have looked at that scene and told you a vampire did it. This isn't coincidence. What was a vampire doing alive and well in the Arctic?"
"I..."
"How long has Beauclair been funding this organization?!"
Alf sighed, defeated.
"Ed."
"Don't give me that warning tone."
"A hundred and five years."
"Dammit." Ed smashed his fist down on the table.
"Ed, you have to understand..."
"Understand what? Greed? Stupidity? Recklessness? What was the agreement? Beauclair is allowed to survive the cull and in return he funds this place for life?"
"The cull was expensive Ed. The Bureau had to make certain... concessions."
"And you knew? You knew all this time that there was still one out there?"
"You're over-reacting Ed. I know this is an emotional time..."
"I am NOT over-reacting!" Ed brought his fist down again. "You know what these things are capable of and now we have one, maybe more, on the loose. That damn Beauclair could have been spawning for decades!"
"Ed, we don't know that."
"What other explanation is there?"
"I don't know, Ed. This is all very unexpected."
"Unexpected? Our agency, who has pledged to destroy monsters like this, allowed a vampire to survive the cull in exchange for cash and this is unexpected? I want to visit him. Where's he live?"
"France, but Ed..."
"No buts Alf. Get me a flight booked. Beauclair must know what went on up there and we don't have time to waste. You know how fast these things can multiply. That's why there was a mass cull in the first place."
"Ok Ed. Fine. You win. Go see Beauclair. But be careful. Beauclair is a very powerful man and not just because he's a vampire."
"Fine. And when the flight's booked you better get every available agent looking for this thing. News reports. Hospitals. Any sign of any vampiric activity we need to be on it fast."

Yawn

I am made of tired today.
*yawn*
So I played Batman instead of doing the next Bitemarks. :o Naughty I know. But seriously... Batman is awesome. Anyways, I actually get some days off next week. So hopefully I'll get the ball rolling on this Bitemarks thing. I have the next few bits planned out in my head it's just a matter of finding time to write it!
Ok so I didn't just spend all day playing Batman. I was at work all morning then lumping furniture round because my folks have gone mental and bought a new fridge and two new TVs...
*yawn*
So I'll just slope off to sleep... before work tomorrow...
*yawn*
*thud*

Bitemarks 1.5

Sorry for delay. Life and whatnot.
Also, note. Dherroine. Deh-ro-een.

Bitemarks 1.5

Ed left the sleeping quarters and made his way down the final corridor. There was an eating area with two more corpses. Ed kept track mentally. This made seven. These two men had died the same way as the other civilians. Broken necks and then fed upon. Why would one vampire feed on seven men? There had to be more to this than meets the eye. Multiple vampires? But why here? There was another connecting corridor from here and Ed found the second solider. He was naked from the waist down and had his jacket pulled up over his head. The pool of blood around him was enough that Ed didn't want to see the damage under the jacket. There was a bullet on the floor near him. A fired bullet. Looks like he'd shot the vampire before it got him. He wondered what the army was going to make of this. He continued on and came into the lab room. Here were the final two civilians. He recognized one of them as Dr Keibler. There was a table in the centre of the room with chunks of ice upon it and more ice underneath. It had probably been a pool of water until the external doors had been left open, dropping the temperature throughout the complex. Ed wondered what the scientists had been up to. He checked his watch. There wasn't time for much research. He opened the nearest file cabinet and flicked through the most recent files. He couldn't make head nor tail of what he was seeing. He glanced around the lab some more and found a dictaphone laying on one worktop. He picked it up and rewound the tape then played it.
"Expedition: Arctic 3912: Dr Keibler. Tape 2. We managed to haul the specimen back to the lab though it wasn't easy. Thank god for those military guys. It'll be some time before the surface defrosts enough to allow a better visual of what we have here."
*click*
"The surface ice is melting nicely. Specimen seems in unusually good condition. Female, age difficult to discern. Under twenty possibly. I can't date our finding yet. The skull shape is hard to place. No clothing remains. All we can do is wait for now."
*click*
"The body is partially exposed now. I'm chipping away some surface ice carefully but it's slow work. I'm no longer sure what to make of this. Could it be a hoax?"
*click*
The tape ended there. Specimen? From the notes Alf provided these guys were supposed to be looking for a mammoth. What did they find instead? The evidence all pointed to a vampire. One frozen in the arctic wastelands? Ed didn't know enough about the subject. His work here was done. He put the dictaphone back and pulled a cloth from his trouser pocket. He wiped his prints off the recorder and the files and filing cabinet. With practiced precision he made his way back to the main door of the complex, wiping anywhere he'd touched. He hit his radio as he reached the main door.
"Wilbur, do you read?"
"Loud and clear Ed. No sightings yet. Everything is clear."
"Ok, bring her down. Let's get out of here."
Ed silenced the radio and cracked the door open, wiping his prints off afterwards. He left the door as he'd found it, swinging loosely in the breeze and looked out at the landing pad as the chopper came into view.


From her vantage point Skarletta watched the metal bird return. She had hidden herself here for now, covered loosely with snow some distance from the complex. She had seen the thing land nearby and seen one of them get out. The Dherroine. That was her word for them but now they called themselves something different. She could feel the blood of all those men pulsing through her veins. She still couldn't remember the specifics but she could feel the blood filling in the answers. Humans. She tried the word out on her lips, silently. How they had changed. The Dherroine of her time were so different. Slower, stupider, technologically backward. These Dherroine had strange ranged weaponry, devices with flashing lights that made crackling noises, odd clothing, a whole new language and that strange metal bird. She watched the first man clamber back into the thing and saw it take off. He would have seen the bodies. Skarletta needed a distraction. But first, she needed to find an area with more Dherroine. A heavily populated centre. Bigger than a simple tribal village. A small town or suchlike. She waited 'til the sound of the metal bird had left and then burst from her hiding place. She covered the distance to the helipad in seconds and reburied herself in the snow nearby. Sooner or later another would arrive. She could sense it and when it did, she would be free of this icy wasteland. Free to carry on. She couldn't remember what she was supposed to do but seeing the metal bird had been enough to remind her that there was an important task to accomplish. She lay down in the snow and shifted around until her face was covered too. She didn't feel the cold, especially with all that blood still inside her. She lay. And listened to its secrets. She played their voices back in her mind.
"What the fuck?!"
"No please, I have a wife, children!"
"Shit, she's coming!"
"Hold it right there. One more step and I'll shoot!"
"Dr Keibler, I heard scream..."
"No! Noooo!"
She smiled to herself under her snowy blanket.
"Helicopter." she said.

Attention foreigners :P

Anyone bored? Do you speak a native language that is not English but also speak English? Fancy taking part in a pointless but mildly interesting project?

This project is still in the planning stage. I'm seeing how much interest there is before I go ahead with it and, if it proves popular, I may take it further.

I call it the Great Google Translate Project.

Concept: Just how (in)accurate is Google translate? I'm looking for people who speak English as a second language. The idea is to write a blog in English and have Google translate it into the languages of all the people taking part. The volunteers will then be given the English blog and Google's translation. For their part they would then translate the English blog into their native tongue properly, (with notation if you have the time) allowing us to see just how well or poorly Google did.

Furthering the project: If enough people from enough countries want to take part and fancy taking it further, we could find other translation services and repeat the experiment. Maybe we'll even send the results of the original project to Google to see if they have any comments.

If you're interested, leave a comment. Be sure to mention what language you'd be taking part in.

Bitemarks 1.4

Bitemarks 1.4

Ed lounged on the comfortable limo seats and lit up a cigarette.
"I'm guessing it's pretty urgent." he said.
"It's time sensitive." said Alf.
"A race?"
"In a manner of speaking." Alf pulled out a laptop and flicked the screen into life. It showed a picture of a man and a snow covered facility of some sort.
"The North Pole." Alf continued. "There's an archaeological dig underway. Privately funded. It's headed by this man, Dr John Keibler. It's a civilian venture. Six scientists, two technical engineers to keep the power and computer systems up and running and two military personnel."
"The army?"
Alf nodded.
"Just a precautionary measure. It's dangerous terrain what with the harsh conditions and the local wildlife. They're also there to see that there's no interference from any other countries."
"Interference?"
"It's no secret that Russia's behaviour towards the UK has been somewhat... erratic recently. After their stunt of claiming the Pole's oil reserves... well the army is a little jumpy."
"So what's the problem?"
"The military personnel are on a 12 hour call in. Every 12 hours they radio in, confirm everything's fine and that's that."
"And they missed their last call?"
"Correct. Now with it being an Arctic expedition the army won't mobilise until they miss their second call. Obviously there's always a chance the call was missed due to weather interference or temporary loss of power."
"You suspect otherwise?"
"It's been two weeks and they've not missed a single call, Ed. Our satellites show no storm activity in that area."
"Why the interest in this dig? Why are we monitoring it so carefully?"
"I thought you'd ask. It's Keibler. He's helped us before in the past, unknowingly of course. We've always kept an eye on his activities, just to make sure he doesn't stumble upon something he shouldn't or talk to the wrong people. You know how it is. We have to protect our interests."
"So you want me over there to check up on everything before the army show up and take over?"
"Yes."
"And when is the second call due?"
"About eight hours from now. It gives you enough time to get over there, check out the situation and leave before the army even mobilises a unit to investigate."
"And what if there's nothing wrong? Aren't they going to wonder why I'm there and how I even know about the place?"
"It's ok, we've thought about that. As I said before, the dig is privately funded by one Jean Beauclair."
Ed looked blank.
"He's a private investor and one of our benefactors."
"Right."
"If it turns out everything is normal then you're just there on his behalf to see how things are going, make sure his money is being spent wisely. Ask for a quick tour of the facility, make some notes and off you go."
Ed sighed.
"You sound like I won't be needing that alibi."
"Missing that call was so unlikely Ed. If it was power related it's a problem that could have been fixed. I don't know what to expect. The most likely explanation I can think of is that the Russians have kidnapped Keibler and his team. Either way you should be prepared."
"When do I leave?"
"Straight away. Time is of the essence here. We've a chopper on standby for you already and we've Arctic gear waiting for you at the base. If you see any sign of the Russian military then turn straight around, head home and let the army deal with it. Anything else and it's up to you."


Ed looked down from the chopper as the first signs of snow covered terrain came into view. He was already freezing, despite the warm clothing. He wore fingerless gloves so he could still use his gun but his fingers were starting to numb with the cold and he stuffed his hands into his pockets. The pilot, Wilbur, spoke to him over the radio link headset he wore.
"We're almost there Ed. I'll bring her down on the touchpad. This bird ain't exactly designed for these conditions so we don't want to spend more than a couple of hours here or the rotors will freeze up."
"Roger that." said Ed. He felt near his stomach for the concealed pouch that his his gun velcroed inside. He hoped he wasn't going to need it. It was one thing to shoot at monsters, another to fight it out with trained military personnel. Below, the base came into view. The lights were still on and that was a worrying sign. So much for the power failure theory. Still, no one left the building at the sound of the chopper coming down to land and that was unusual. He'd expected both soldiers out there to 'greet' them. The chopper bumped down on the helipad and slid a little on the ice then came to rest. Ed took a deep breath, slid the door open and hopped out.

He hit the floor and crouched. His eyes sweeping over the immediate area. The wind was up and there were no footprints nearby. No obvious signs of life. He placed one hand inside his gun pouch and slid his fingers around the weapon's grip then jogged over to the base doors. They were large double doors, sealed with a deadbolt on the inside or at least, they should have been. One was still in position, the other swung wildly in the wind, clanging loudly against its housing. That too was a bad sign. Ed slid up to the closed door and peered around into the foyer. It looked clear. Snow had been driven inside by the wind and by the looks of it, that door had been open for some time. He went inside, pulled the door shut behind him and latched it in place. He could still get out fast enough if need be. He drew his gun and looked down the nearest corridor. A filing cabinet was still intact and he inspected it. It contained files. So much for the Russian theory. If they were involved surely they would have taken the files. He followed the corridor down into the radio room. The equipment was still live and seemed in working order. He didn't dare push anything to confirm. He left the radio room behind and returned to the foyer, taking the next corridor. This one ended in another room with two closed doors. He peered through the window. A locker room and probably sleeping quarters beyond that. But there was something else. Either someone had picked a garish red paintjob for the room or... He pushed the doors open and winced at what he saw. Here was one of the soldiers, or what was left of him. He was behind an upturned table that faced the door Ed had just entered through. Behind his body were the bodies of four of the civilians. Something had gone down here. A defensive shootout, but against who? Cautiously Ed made his way over to the corpses and examined them. The soldier's gun was still in his hand and looking behind him Ed could see where he'd fired and hit the wall and the doors. He wasn't shot though and neither were the scientists. The soldier had died from blunt trauma to the face. Ed could see where a hard blow had impacted his skull on one side and sent it crashing into the floor on the other. Judging from the damage he was hit with something real heavy, probably more than once. He checked the civilians. He couldn't see any immediate cause for death until he gently moved one with his foot and heard the sound of bone on bone. Broken necks? He shivered and not from the cold. Whatever had killed these men had done so with its bare hands.
He crouched down and moved one of the scientist's heads with the barrel of his gun. No impact damage, so finger marks that he could see but... He recoiled sharply. There on the neck. Two roughly circular wounds. If Ed didn't know better he'd think they were... bitemarks. He checked the other bodies. All of them, even the soldier, had the same marks. Instinct and logic fought in his mind for an explanation. Instinct told him only one thing could have made those marks. A vampire. And that would explain the display of physical strength, the bare handed killings. But logic told him that was impossible. Vampires had been extinct since the early 1900s when the last of the great European Elders had been killed. This whole thing made no sense. But Ed wasn't one for complacency. He pressed the button on his headset.
"Wilbur? Do you read?"
Static and then...
"Loud and clear Ed. What's the situation?"
"Wilbur listen to me. Take off. Stay high and sweep the area. Let me know if you see any signs of life. Don't land until I radio you again."
"Sure thing. How high?"
Ed thought for a while.
"As high as you can go and still see... The base personnel are all dead and Wilbur... There may be a vampire down here."
"You gotta be shitting me."
"I don't know for sure but don't take any chances. Stay high enough that you can't be surprised. If I don't radio in in the next thirty minutes head back without me."
"Roger that."
Ed stood back up and looked around. He needed to find the rest of the bodies and make sure they were dead. From what little he knew about vampires he was certain that it would have made a spawn. All four of these bodies had been fed upon and that was unusual behaviour for a single vampire...

Bitemarks 1.3

Bitemarks 1.3

Skarletta dropped the lifeless husk of Dr Keibler to the floor and stared at herself in the small mirror on one wall. Already she could feel the ice melting from her limbs. And she could see her face healing. All over her body the dark frostbitten patches were regaining their colour. She felt the stabbing pain in her chest again and remembered the obsidian sliver. She needed to accelerate the process, that much she knew. But these surroundings were so unfamiliar. There was little she remembered other than instinct and right now her instinct was to feed, heal and survive.
Behind her the door burst open.
"Dr Keibler, I heard scream..."
Lewis' jaw dropped as he caught sight of Skarletta. She grinned at his fear. The moment's hesitation cost him his life, though he knew it not yet. A memory exploded into life in her brain and before Lewis could react she threw out a hand in his direction and placed him in the Thrall.
She looked at this creature, unable to move now of his own free will. His eyes wide and wild with fear. His breath in panicked gasps. With all the mental power she could summon she raised him up onto his tiptoes and beckoned him toward her. Involuntarily Lewis obeyed, unable to tear his gaze from her eyes and tiptoed toward her. She knew a language, bits of it still lingered in her mind and she tried it now.
"Where is this place?"
There was no response. She tried again.
"What year is it?
Still nothing. Clearly her tongue was no longer spoken. No matter. Blood spoke and Skarletta was a quick and keen learner. Lewis offered no resistance as she pulled him close and bent his head to one side, exposing his unprotected neck...


Moments later what life had inhabited Lewis' now existed inside Skarletta. She felt better. Her strength was returning and she had remembered the Thrall. A most useful talent. These people were clearly as susceptible to it as they had always been. She was capable of more of that she was sure. The time had come to make her move. She went to the door Lewis had entered through and peeked out into a corridor. She had made no sound as she moved, unlike the clumsy Lewis whose feet had clunked against the floor. She looked back at him. He wore strange devices on his feet and various coverings whereas she was still naked. She didn't like the look of his blood soaked garments. She would find something more appealing. She stepped out into the corridor as another man appeared at the other end. He wore something vastly different to Lewis. An outfit composed of earthy tones. Green, brown and khaki in leaflike patterns. Much better. He too wore the expression of shock that Lewis had. He was also pointing at her. No... Pointing something at her. He spoke in a firm voice but she still couldn't understand the words. She took a step toward him and he took a step back. His stance was so different from that of the other two men and his fear more controlled. He was scared certainly, but not panicked. Curiosity overwhelmed her. Who was this man who dare face her and point in her direction so constantly? Her face must have betrayed her anger because with her next step forwards the man reacted. The thing he was pointing roared and flashed and she felt a sudden pain in her right thigh. She looked down and saw blood. There was a hole in her leg, neat and round. It hurt, though not much, nothing like the pain within her heart. The blood of two men already filled her veins and this was a minor wound for her unique physiology. A small metal shape fell from the hole in her leg and the wound closed up behind. She looked back up at the man, a bemused expression on her face.
"Nice trick. My turn now."
He replied with a yell. Something in that strange language again. It mattered not what he said. She had tired of the novelty. His clothing would suffice for her, she had decided and she would examine the shiny thing he had injured her with. The device roared and snapped thrice more and she felt the metal balls enter her body. Twice in her chest and one more right in the forehead. It hurt this time. Hurt like hell and she snarled and pounced. She covered the distance between them in a second and twirled. He foot lashed out, kicking the device from the man's grip and she lashed out with her foot twice more. The first connected with his jaw, stunning him and the second impacted his stomach pushing him back up against the wall. Skarletta followed him, pinning him against the wall with one hand around his throat and with the other she gripped his upper jaw and pulled with every ounce of strength she had. There was a crack as his jaw snapped and a sickening gurgling tearing sound as she pulled the upper part of his skull clean off. Even as the blood fountained from the hole left behind she threw the body to the floor and pulled the man's jacket up, off his arms and wrapped it around the bleeding stump that was once his head. She cursed her instinctiveness. The jacket was ruined now and she couldn't remove the shirt without getting it covered in blood. Memory told her that people generally reacted badly to blood soaked clothing. But the lower garments were fine. She removed those now and tried them on. It took time for her to figure them out but soon she was attired satisfactorily. She looked down at herself, in the man's heavy dark boots and patterned trousers. They were loose about the waist and she discovered strips of fabric and buckles on the side and adjusted them until they were snug about her waist. Excellent. Now for some upper garments. She shuddered suddenly as her body ejected the metal balls from her chest and forehead. She felt the wounds close up again behind. She needed all the strength she could get for now and that meant continual feeding. She cast her eyes back to the fallen man. He still had blood left to give...

It's coming.

So yeah, Bitemarks will be continuing, honestly. I said I couldn't commit to any regular updates which is true. I have my nephew to look after tomorrow, dentists appointment next week, parents arriving home from Greece at the weekend. It's all kicking off at once! Just don't think I've forgotten. :P I'm hoping to drop a part on Friday and probably monday and wednesday so those are good days to check back. :)

I've also sent the lyrics for "Song for the Girl" to Kreate. He seems interested so maybe we'll get a proper song out of that too. We can at least hope, huh?

Also saw this on the front of one of the national newspapers today.
"Eight out of 10 savings accounts lose money"

AAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

*RAGE*

AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!

Numbers *OR* letters you fucking idiotic retard cockwits!

Oh the impotent geek rage. And to think these are the same newspapers that moan about the dumbing down of schools after discovering a new module about the grammar of txtspeak. Practice what you preach.

*deep breaths*

I despair, I really do. I feel like I should go watch some Boxxy just to get some joy back in my life. ¬¬ There's only room for so much misanthropy and I've used a lot of it today. I should sharpen up my favourite stabby knife and go stab things. People shaped things.

I thought there was something else but I'm struggling to remember it. I guess I'll go grab a few hours sleep before work tomorrow.

A lesson to games companies.

So as you all know. I am a gamer. I consider gaming a large part of my life and my personality. Always have done. Be it board games, card games, handheld videogames, consoles, PCs. I love 'em. Now, videogames specifically is what I want to talk to you about. See, videogame companies don't like people downloading their games illegally so they go through all kinds of efforts to ensure that people will buy the games rather than download them from torrents. One of the methods some of them choose is DRM, usually a program like Securom that ensures that when you buy a game, you can only install it so many times then it's worthless.
Obviously... do not want.
See, as a gamer I have a choice. I can buy my games legally on disc and accept that the disc may one day break or otherwise become unusable. I can buy my games digitally through steam where I can own them for life. Or I can download them illegally, for free.
You'd think the best choice was to download them illegally for free right? But it isn't! Not only is there inherent risk (both of being virused or being caught by the authorities) there's also the chance the game won't work properly and no one's gonna give you support for an unpatched illegal download. The simple truth is. We don't mind paying for games!

So I buy a lot of games from Steam. Especially when they have offers on to save me a little cash. Today I saw two such offers. Overlord I and II for only £7! :O Needless to say, I just stumped up the cash and that game is now mine. But there was also another deal. Crysis and Crysis: warhead for £10 each. I was interested. Crysis after all is one of those games that has an amazing word of mouth review. I've often thought, if I see it cheap, I'll get that. So seeing it on offer was exciting! I could pick up both Crysis games for £20! But then I looked at the games specs and saw this.
Securom: 5 machine activation limit.

Well fuck that then. See the irony? Your over the top security just put me off buying your game. Now make the logical leap. I certainly don't wanna buy your game with securom on it. What's my alternative? That's right. Now I'm not saying I'm gonna go download Crysis illegally. I'm too lazy for one and I have Overlord to play now. But this is my point. YOU, the videogame companies, are the ones driving piracy with foolish maneuvres like this. If I can own all my steam games for life why would I waste my money on a game that can only be installed 5 times? (I know it says 5 machines, but for example, my desktop computer had a motherboard meltdown last year. After replacing that component, securom would see it as a new machine. So getting through 5 activations isn't that hard).

So there you go. You introduced an anti-piracy measure that has guaranteed that if I ever want to play Crysis, I'll be doing so by illegally downloading a pirated copy.
Do the words "Epic fail" mean anything to you?

As for me. I'm happy. That £20 stays in my bank account and I have Overlord I and II to play! Hurrah! I don't even know if they're any good. They don't have the word of mouth advertising that Crysis does. But they don't have any silly over the top intrusive security measures to limit my fun.



Oh one final thing. I realise some of you are not gamers and either didn't read that, or didn't get it.

Essentially. DRM is like being sold a car, that will stop working once it's done 5'000 miles. Now imagine your local dodgy garage down the road will sell you the same car for next to nothing, with that feature disabled.

Yeah exactly.

Bitemarks 1.2

Bitemarks 1.2

Dr Keibler took a slug from the can of energy drink. He despised the stuff but it was better than coffee and having only three hours sleep since finding the specimen. Even now the body was undergoing a slow thawing process that would hopefully minimize the damage done by it reaching a warmer temperature. The body was remarkably well preserved. Here and there were patches damaged by frostbite and as the ice melted away to give a closer view it had become apparent that she had injuries inflicted upon her by others. The throat was cut for one and there was a stab wound on the left breast, most likely what killed her. Once the ice was fully melted he hoped to get a full set of digital images to create a virtual model of her before freezing the corpse once again ready for shipping to somewhere more suitable. Somewhere where they had the technology to x-ray the body and examine in microscopic detail various parts of her external and internal structures. He walked over to the table for a closer look. She really was so remarkably well preserved. So well that it began to cast doubts in his mind about how old she was. Only the black patches and lack of clothing pointed to her long years imprisoned in her icy tomb. There was little ice left covering her now although probably plenty left beneath the skin's surface. He moved over to the head. Her hair was still intact though he knew that would not last. Dark, almost black and lengthy. It would reach halfway down her back. He touched it curiously. It had defrosted fully and although still wet, was soft to the touch. Her cheeks struck him as unusual too. They hadn't folded and sagged. He reached out and gently touched one. It felt firm, though that could just be the ice under the surface lending support. It felt warm too or was that simply a by-product of the thawing process? He moved his head closer, curiosity consuming him. He looked closely at the eyelids. The eyelashes and eyebrows were still intact and the thawing was causing them to flicker as the muscles beneath expanded in the warmth. They opened in a flash and for a second Keibler recoiled, a sudden moment of panic. It's just the heat. he told himself. Like the tendons of a body being burned. He almost convinced himself, until the woman's mouth opened and she screamed like a banshee.


Skarletta was dreaming. She knew not of what. Eagles flew. Fish swam. Tribes danced ancient forgotten dances. And then she felt. She felt an icy pain grip her body and tear her soul from those dreams into waking agony. Her eyes flicked open and she howled. The pain. It wracked every inch of her. She sat bolt upright and screamed again. The pain. She felt it now in two distinct patterns. The icy pain gripping her limbs and chest and the second lesser pain, caused by the shard of obsidian dagger still lodged in her heart. She was dying. She knew as much. And the pain was joined by the Hunger. The Hunger she knew all too well. Vision returned to her frozen eyes, locked staring straight ahead of her. And there was a man. He was babbling in some incoherent language, clearly gripped by both fear and shock. These were emotions she recognized. The language she would learn soon enough and in the process... the Hunger would be fed.


Ed Baxter gripped the temporary podium tightly and addressed the assembled mourners as, to one side, a crane-like mechanism slowly lowered a coffin into the earth.
"My father." he said, blinking the light November rain from his eyes. "My father was a great man. He was a strong man, who provided well for his family. A strong man who suffered the cruel irony of a disease that robbed him of his strength with each passing day. And yet, he remained strong. Strong in his mind as his body failed him. He was a kind man who donated generously to those less fortunate than himself, often in secret. He was a determined man. As those of you who worked with him are aware he would not rest while his work could make the world a better place for everyone, at least in his eyes."
That last comment was aimed purely a the Agency members present for they alone knew the good deeds his father had performed in service.
"He was a caring and nurturing father. A dependable and loving husband. A trustworthy and loyal friend. We have all felt the impact of his life and so we feel the impact of his death. It stands as testament to the kind of man my father was that so many of his friends showed up today to honour his passing. He would be grateful and humbled by your presence. Doug Baxter. May he forever rest in peace."
Ed stepped down from the podium and walked to the grave containing the now fully lowered coffin. He picked up a handful of loose earth from the small pile at the side and cast it into the hole, onto the lid of the coffin.
"No one lives forever." he whispered.


When he had finished talking with the assembled mourners one on one and listened to their expressions of sorrow for his loss Ed made his way back to the car. The fine rain continued and Ed kept his head low, lost in his own thoughts. It took just one word, his name, from a familiar voice to jerk him from his reminisces.
"Ed."
He looked up, into the emotionless face of Alf.
"I'm glad you came. He would be too."
Alf nodded.
"Wouldn't have missed it. It was a fine speech you gave."
"I take it you have something else to tell me."
"You did say you didn't want leave."
Ed nodded.
"I'm not ready to sit alone at home dwelling on it."
"Then in that case. We have a matter of extreme urgency." Alf extended an arm to point to his own transport. A stretch limo with tinted windows.
"I'll tell my driver I have a lift." said Ed.

Lest We Forget

Bitemarks 1.1

Bitemarks 1.1

Dr John Keibler shuddered. It wasn't the freezing cold surrounding him, standing ankle deep in the loose snow of the Arctic. It was the shudder of excitement. Both the excitement of discovery as he peered into the hole that they had created just this morning and also the excitement of knowing that they were on the verge of something awesome. Yuri Khudi might have found a woolly mammoth calf in Russia but this dig held the prospect of something better. So far three bones had been found, belonging to three different mammoths. Expectation was high that they might find a fully intact adult mammoth buried beneath the ice. That's why they were here. That's why they'd used dynamite to blow a huge hole in the ground. That's how they'd found the extraordinary cave network and that's why Dr Keibler was shuddering with excitement. Scott had already made a preliminary recon of the caves and they were safe enough for the team to go down. That was today. Now. It was exciting enough thinking about the possibility of a full mammoth being found but for the last few hours all Keibler could think about was the caves. Actual caves. Naturally formed and artificially sculpted. It raised a lot of questions. Keibler liked questions but he liked the answers even more.
"Ready Dr Keibler?"
Scott stood by his side waiting for him to make the first move and enter the caves. Keibler nodded.
"Yeah. Let's make history, gentlemen."


A couple of hours later and the excitement had started to wear off. The thing about ice is that it's boring. The cave walls were covered in layers of it so thick that there was no evidence as to how the caves were formed. Keibler didn't even know if there was rock under there or whether the walls were formed of solid ice. Worse still, they were smaller than anticipated. They'd explored them all with the exception of this last one. He presumed it to be the last. The tunnel that led towards it was far longer than the others and no doubt this would be the biggest chamber, the final one, set much further back than the others. Whatever was in here he doubted it would be a mammoth. The tunnel wasn't large enough for a huge beast to fit through. It was still a discovery nonetheless and there could still be something of interest to find but Keibler wanted that mammoth.
The tunnel came to an abrupt end and spilled out into a massive chamber just as he'd predicted. Stalactites hung down from the roof and huge thick columns of ice twinkled in the torchlight. Scott held his torch close to one of the ice columns, examining it for unusual composition. Keibler shone the beam of his light to his left and walked over to the cave wall. He followed it round, running his gloved fingers over the surface. Even through the gloves he could feel the lumps and bumps rising out of the smooth patches of ice.
"Dr Keibler!"
That was Lewis. Keibler's head snapped round. Lewis was over the very far side of the chamber, hidden behind ice columns. He made his way over there, careful not to lose his footing on the icy floor. He could see Lewis now, shining his torch at something just out of view behind that last column. He'd heard excitement in his voice but Lewis' face, like everyone else's was hidden beneath mask and goggles. What was he looking at?
Keibler rounded the last column, looked at Lewis, and followed the torchbeam with his eyes. There. In the wall. Keibler exhaled deeply.
"Holy... shit..."
This was it. The moment that would make his name. Fuck the mammoth. This was a discovery beyond all others. The ice was thick but there was no mistaking what was beneath it. Imprisoned there in the wall in front of them was a person. A humanoid. He could make out their shape, see their arms slightly splayed near their side and... breasts? He squinted at the ice.
"It's a female."
"I think so." said Lewis. "She could be well preserved in there."
Keibler stared at it a while longer as the other men assembled behind him, each one expressing their awe.
"We need to excavate the body." said Keibler. "This could be huge. I mean look at that pose. It's like..."
"Like she was put there intentionally." said Lewis as Keibler's voice trailed off.
"Maybe some sort of ritual..." said Scott.
"Scott, Lewis. You stay here. Check the ground for anything else of interest. I'll go back with the others, prep the lab and get tools."

Bitemarks: Coming Soon

I've mostly overcome my neck injury and had chance to recharge my mental batteries and so, as we usher ourselves in to what is possibly my favourite month, I am pleased to announce the impending return of Project Bitesize. I've decided to stick with Ed Baxter again for this project, which will be subtitled Bitemarks to differentiate it from the previous project. I don't know when exactly I'll be starting, or how regular the updates will be but it's coming! Soon! So pay attention.

That is all. You may resume your lives.

NaNoWriMo? :S

So I just learnt that November is 'NaNoWriMo'. A somewhat bizarre contraction of National Novel Writing Month.
http://www.nanowrimo.org/

Before I go any further... National? Talk about plucked at random for aesthetics. Seems this is taking place internationally.

Anyways. The concept is that people, presumably writers already, attempt to write a 50'000 word novel in the 30 days comprising the month of November.

O_O

Why? Why exactly? For what purpose? This strikes me as a major waste of time. In fact, an incredible waste of time. Oh sure, the actual writing really only boils down to like half an hour per day (assuming you can type around 60 wpm+) but what is the end result gonna be? Shit, that's what. The chances of you formulating a decent plot and typing in a manner that you would usually edit in at a later stage are slim to none. The end result will be a hasty, incoherent, hole-ridden shambles. Seems like a worthless exercise. I had enough trouble fitting Bitesize around my working life and that was far from novel standard. So guess who won't be participating. Me. I'll leave it to the people who have more free time than sense.

Song for the Girl (WDE)

Not a poem, but a song. I would absolutely love to hear this accompanied by guitar so...
If any of you know anyone who can sing, play acoustic guitar and who is willing to record this as an mp3 or a youtube video then please, please send them my way. Male or female I don't think it really matters.

Song for the Girl (WDE)

In a world of paper dreams
Inside a long forgotten book
A myriad of streams
Lead to a pebble spattered brook

It isn't where we met
Or where we ever plan to meet
Just a place where we got wet
And paddled with our feet

You didn't dance around
To my soft-plucked guitar string
I didn't smile at the sound
Of the song you didn't sing

It was a lovely summer's day
That was never meant to last
Now the colours fade away
And drift into the past

Not every story has an unexpected twist
This is my song for the girl who doesn't exist
An ode to all the chances we never got to kiss
This is my song for the girl who doesn't exist
Yeah, my song for the girl...
Who doesn't exist

In a world of paper people
With feelings monochrome
I didn't find you waiting
Didn't see how much you'd grown

You didn't cast your eyes upon me
And recognize me in a glance
It didn't invoke the memory
Of our blissful summer dance

We didn't grin like children
And fall into each others arms
You didn't see me longing
For your neverending charms

You didn't whisper you still loved me
Softly in my ear
And when you found I had to leave
You didn't cry a crystal tear

This is my way to tell the world that forever you'll be missed
This is my song for the girl who doesn't exist
An ode to every time on a shooting star I wished
This is my song for the girl who doesn't exist
Yeah, my song for the girl...
Who doesn't exist

In a world of paper houses
From a long forgotten song
A place I never lived
Where I know that I belong

The only colour remaining
A deep and crimson red
Around an old man dying
Sad and lonely in his bed

He didn't cry in agony
Didn't shout aloud your name
You never did exist
And so tonight he dies in vain

And when the angels stand before him
Think of all the tales he'll tell
Not knowing if he's destined
For heaven or for hell

How can I waste my time chasing all the dreams I missed
This is my song for the girl who doesn't exist
An ode to crystal tears still clenched tightly in my fist
My final song for the girl who doesn't exist
Yeah, my song for the girl...

© Charon 2009

Cold Rainbows

Cold Rainbows

My dreams were the clouds but you blew them away
You brought in the night just to darken my day
For every flower I planted, you tore down a tree
You were the cruel stinging wasp, disguised as a bee
The garden of my childhood knew no escape
You were the fence and the barred iron gate

The flowers all die at the sound of your name
I weep in the downpour of warm summer rain
A pot of fool's gold where all of my pain goes
You banished me there beneath a trail of cold rainbows

I guess I always thought one day I'd escape
But freedom's an illusion only you could create
The only time I felt free was when I looked to the sky
Spread my arms, felt the breeze and pretended to fly
But this feeling was fleeting and I'll always be here
Shivering in the snow, in the storm of my fear

The flowers all die at the sound of your name
I hide in the shadows of the cold winter rain
A pot of fool's gold, where my hope not my pain goes
I'll follow my heart through the trail of cold rainbows

© Charon 2009

Not dead

Rejoice for I am not dead.
No seriously, rejoice now or I'll stab you. Hmm, REjoice? Well, I suppose you'd have to joice in the first place, right? Get joicing!

Damn, now I forgot why I'm here...

Oh yeah! Pixieguts. No, I'm not talking about mutilating faerie tale creatures. Pixieguts is a flesh and blood human being.
http://www.last.fm/music/Pixieguts
A vocalist in fact who is involved with various projects producing some sort of electronica stuff... :s I'll be honest. I have no idea. It's way out of my usual interest range and I have no idea how to describe it. However, she has been working with some poets from last.fm's poetry corner group, turning poems into lyrics in much the same way that Kreate has done for me in the past. And I'm next! :P I've given permission for her to mash some of my poems into lyrics and produce music with them. Hooray. I'll keep you posted if anything comes of it. ^^ Could be exciting.

Sunday Music? :O

Yeah I know it's not Sunday. But I have music to share! So sit there and like it. ^^

Today's theme. Electronic.

First up. Satisfaction by Benny Benassi. Why do I find this so addictive?



Next up. Francis Hates Left 4 Dead by GCIDogmeat and GCITherewolf. A music video using sound samples from that zombie game I'm oh so addicted to. :P It's surprisingly good.


And this old classic, made using only the sounds found within windows xp. No idea who did this but it's been around for ages.
(EDIT) Yeah so I just noticed it says it on the frickin video. So there you go. That's what I get for posting before watching it through.

Left 4 Dead

So for another day or two Left 4 Dead is half price on steam. Don't switch off! Hear me out. Left 4 Dead is a survival horror game, played co-operatively by up to 4 players, hence the oh so witty title. Pete and I have been waiting for that price drop and wasted no time (literally about three seconds after the announcement) before buying it. Today we finished the Death Toll campaign. Well. I did. Sadly Pete didn't make it.

It all started well. All we had to do was hold out in a house while we waited for the boat to arrive for us to get to safety. Simple right? And it was all going reasonably well. The first tank turned up (more on that later) and we pwned him. Shitloads (like a couple of hundred) of zombies poured in and through the cunning use of pipebombs and sheer firepower we tore them to shreds. We knew from previous failures that we had a second tank to face before the boat turned up. And sure enough, a short while before Pete yells out that the tank is coming. (The tank's a big fuckoff zombie, I'll show you soon). Well me being the smart one I'm sat upstairs watching the staircase, ready to unload my shotgun in it's enormous bulbous ass when it runs up the stairs. But it's deathly quiet... for about five seconds.. and then I hear Pete yelling...
"Ahhh shit, it's got me. Downstairs! I'm getting bummed in the pantry!"
Yes, the fool had tried to hide himself in the pantry and the beast tore the door off and proceeded to tear his limbs off. Somehow, I saved him. And the boat turned up! Hurrah! Victory?

Well yes and no. Pete grabbed the last pipebomb we'd been saving and lobbed it. The horde went nuts and another hundred or so were engulfed in the resulting explosion... but there was too many!! Arrrggghhh! We ran like fuck for the boat but the horde swamped us. A boomer threw up on me and blinded me. Pete got eaten by a tank. Like totally eaten. Dead. Covered in boomer vomit, half blind and limping like a weasel with one leg I managed to kill the tank feasting on Pete's corpse and fought off the horde as I inched my way across the pier to the boat. Another tank turned up and lobbed a piece of some random building at me and thank god he missed. I made it onto the boat, along with the two AI players. And we left Pete's corpse behind as zombie food. I'm still high off the adrenaline.

So... What the fuck am I ranting about? Well I thought you'd never ask.

First off, here's the cinematic opening to Left 4 Dead. It shows the basic kinda things you can expect from the game and serves a sort of tutorial. Ie, don't set off car alarms, etc. Oh and that huge hulking behemoth. That's the tank. Watch both of these in full screen for best impact. In fact, click watch on youtube in the bottom right corner and you can watch full screen and HD. Awesomeness.



And here is what the actual game plays like. This is the finale of the Death Toll campaign... where Pete bought it. :D



Those guys are pretty good though. We suck.
So yeah. Zombie mayhem. Mega adrenaline. FUCKING AWESOME!! Man I cannot wait for tomorrow night. Bring it on!
*pulls out shotgun*
*chu-chuk*
Let's do it!

Abandoned Bitesize Ideas.

Whilst brainstorming for Bitesize ideas I've tossed many aside. In the absence of anything better to post I thought I'd share a few of the abandoned ones.

1. A story told from two perspectives, that of a serial killer and the cop chasing him. Ultimately would turn out the the cop is suffering from a schizophrenic disease and is unaware that he is the killer and is chasing himself. Would be far too much work though.

2. A story that starts, "The year is 2239 and Jonas Wilstrong is President. I remember exactly where I was when the previous president was assassinated. Atop a skyscraper, clutching a sniper rifle and watching him being driven through the streets of Newtopia. But much to my dismay, it wasn't me that fired the fatal shot..."
But I didn't know what to do with it so I abandoned it.

3. A guy wakes up to find the world abandoned. No people at all. Worse, he sees a ghostly figure that appears to be his mother telling him that he's in a coma and needs to wake up. Then he finds a girl. She too claims to have seen her mother saying she's in a coma and needs to wake up. They can't both be right. Is one of them imagining the other? This is compounded further when they meet another man, a soldier. Seems his CO told him exactly the same thing. Only thing is, he's seen something else. Some unidentified beings. What's going on? What and who is real?
I don't know. Abandoned.

Great films?

A few days ago, The Independent had a thing on the main page announcing that some journalist had compiled a list of the twenty greatest films ever made. Wow, I thought sarcastically, that's gonna be one biased list. Who died and gave that guy the power to decide for all of us what makes a film great? it's probably full of artsy fartsy shit that no one's seen just to make him look like some hardcore film aficionado.
But then I got thinking. In my own biased opinion, what are the twenty greatest films I've seen? Making a list like that is harder than you'd think. Like sure, I absolutely love the film Bloodsport, but I'm acutely aware that it's not a great film. It's not even a good film. It would probably bore the pants off most of you if you watched it. Likewise I'll watch Demolition Man every time it's on TV, nut only because I can't take my eyes off Sandra Bullock. In fact... I'll watch anything with Sandra Bullock in. :P

But in all seriousness. What are the twenty greatest films I've ever seen? Films so good I would heartily recommend them under the impression that you too would like them. So I made my list. I couldn't rank them in any specific order because they all have merits and are good for different reasons. So here, if you are interested or just bored, is my list, in the order the films occurred to me. I'll throw in some brief sentences about the film but nothing too detailed. Wouldn't wanna spoil anything. :P Feel free to have a shot at this yourself sometime. ;)

1. Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Well this was pretty much obvious wasn't it? One of the most quotable films of all time. Low-budget, silly fun. In fact, the Python crew borrowed money from various celebrity friends in order to get this made and as you probably know, unable to afford horses they instead used the iconic coconuts to replicate the sound of horse hooves. :)

2. Tremors.
Oh yeah it's cheesy as hell. But there's something so endearing about Kevin Bacon's rural cowboy character. If you haven't seen it it's about a really small town in a remote rocky desert that gets besieged by giant subterranean worms. Fun. ^^

3. Aliens.
Proof that a sequel really can be better than the original. Some might claim that the original had better atmosphere but this second outing is what really floats my boat as Ripley and a squad of marines head to a remote mining facility that "the Company" have lost contact with, ultimately taking on an entire hive of the alien creatures. It's a wonderful advancement of the original storyline.

4. South Park: The Movie.
From start to finish an epicly funny film. It's offensive and it mocks Canada. What more could you ask for? :P It's hard to go back to watching the actual show after this.

5. Team America: World Police.
A film featuring puppets? :D Oh yeah. Sorry... FUCK YEAH! :) Best theme tune ever. If you still haven't seen this then you're missing out. It sums up perfectly the sense of collective bravado and smug centre-of-the-worldedness that we associate with those darned Americans. And the puppetteering is top notch too.

6. Terminator 2: Judgement Day
Another sequel outshining the original. Ahnold is back, this time reprogrammed to protect John Connor himself from an assassination by the new liquid metal T1000. And how badass has Sarah Connor become since the first film? Bloody awesome.

7. Pulp Fiction.
This shouldn't even need any blurb. If you haven't seen Pulp Fiction, you're missing out. Surely this is on anyone's list?

8. Die Hard.
A Christmas classic. John McClane (Bruce Willis) finds himself inside Nakatomi Plaza when it's overrun by terrorists led by Alan Rickman.

9. Cube.
Ah the original Cube. A bunch of people wake up trapped inside a cube with no memory of how they got there. The cube is filled with traps and has mysterious numbers etched into doorways. Can the autistic savant in with them figure this all out? Or is he only there to slow them all down, relying on their human emotions to cause them to lead themselves into the many deadly traps? Badass.

10. Disney's Robin Hood.
Best Disney film ever. Each Robin Hood character portrayed by a different animal. Hood himself is a sly fox and Maid Marian a vixen. He's such a charismatic little rogue. Fun for all the family.

11. Stand By Me.
A bunch of kids go on an adventure, travelling along the railway tracks to find a dead body seen by Vern. Don't you wish you had that kinda fun as a kid?

12. Cyrano De Bergerac.
Oh it's long, almost as long as the titular character's nose. :) Gerard Depardieu is awesome as Cyrano, the warrior poet. The famous balcony scene has been done so many times over. It's in French though, so settle down for a lot of subtitles.

13. Labyrinth.
Yeah it's another classic kiddy film. David Bowie as the evil goblin King Jareth. Rumour has it that they originally wanted Jacko to play that role. Pffft. Bowie was the right decision. He's brilliant and so are the songs.

14. Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls.
First time I watched this I was laughing by Ace's very first line and didn't stop until the end. It's hilarious and massively quotable and yet one more example of sequels being better than originals! Definitely Jim Carrey's funniest outing.

15. Scream.
It's not all about comedy you know. :P The killer's outfit is genius, so instantly recognisable. The plot might be fairly simple but it was still quite a surprising ending first time round.

16. Enter the Dragon.
So Bloodsport might be a crappy martial arts flick but this sure isn't. Bruce Lee is the daddy as he infiltrates the secret island base of the bad guy, kicking endless amounts of ass on the way, all the while dispensing questionable wisdom. It might be plot light, but the action is heavy and wonderfully performed.

17. Shrek.
One word. Donkey. :D Pant-wettingly funny one liners from Eddie Murphy. Our entire family watched this multiple times and spent months quoting it. The sequels just can't touch the original here.

18. Zoolander.
A film about male modelling. Derek Zoolander is the dim-witted model brainwashed to kill the prime minister of Malaysia. Comic genius.

19. The Goonies.
Oh c'mon. You've all seen the Goonies right? Like 9000 times?

20. Happy Gilmore.
A lot of comedy in this list. This is definitely the funniest of Adam Sandler's catalogue as hapless ice hockey wannabe Gilmore turns his hand to golf instead in a bid to pay off his grandma's debts.

There you go. Those are the twenty greatest films I've ever had the pleasure of watching. If there's any on that list you haven't seen then I recommend you get your hands on them now.

Thoughts, comments, lists of your own? *points to comment box*